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Chapter 1 - none

this is my first rough draft of my story Nyte's tale but part one of a trilogy

Chapter 1 - none

Chapter 1 - none
A Nyte’s Tale

I’d been in the Lycian army for quite some time now and recently been promoted to the rank of First Blade. One of the perks is that I have a little more freedom in the assignments I take and also go on personal missions. My mission is to attain more power than any man has ever seen.
I decided to start my search in books, to at the very least expand my mind. I learned many things but none on what I was looking for. Today I decided would be my last day in the library when I stumbled upon a book bound by leather with straps sealing it shut. I read the book in great detail; I found what I was looking for.
Next I started talking to many priests about the gods and rituals. A monk in dark blue robes came up to me and asked”why is it you seek knowledge?”
“To become a priest.” I replied
“That is a good cause to search for knowledge, but to become a priest you must meet and pledge loyalty to only one god.” The monk said.
“That I do know and have chosen to become a follower of Drel.” I announced.
“That is a good choice, he has allot of followers, by the way I am called Larteze.” He said in a kind voice.
“I am Nyte; it is good to meet you Larteze.” I replied. “I would really appreciate it if you could take me to where the ritual needs to take place and help me to perform it.”
“It would be an honor to go with you.” Larteze replied.
“Well we can set out tomorrow, so get what we need for the ritual and I will get the survival supplies.” I said
“Alright we can meet back here tomorrow morning. Farewell.” Larteze responded.
We then went our separate ways and I began gathering anything we could need for the trip, the first day would get us to the base of Mt. Blitz and the second day would get us to the altar of Drel which is located somewhere on the mountain.
I found Larteze already at our meeting place waiting for me. It was unnecessary for words and we set out towards Mt. Blitz trough Gandes forest.
When we reached the base of the mountain we were exhausted and found an abandoned cabin to sleep in for the night. Larteze and I become quite close so I decided to tell him my true intentions. “Larteze,” I said quietly” there is something I need to tell you. The real reason I wanted you to help me find Drel was so I could attain more power. I found a book that has a ritual to gain the powers of a god however, to do this you must,” I paused” kill a god.” His jaw dropped but no words came out. “I will not force you to go with me any farther,” I continued “but it would mean a great deal if you where to go.” He kept a solid face as he looked out the window. I stood a long while waiting for an answer and realized I would not get one at least not to night, so slept.
When I woke I found Larteze staring out the window again but noticed a role of parchment in my lap. I sat up, unrolled it, and Larteze walked out. It was a map I only assume on how to get to the altar. I got my half of the food and started out, I found Larteze waiting for me at the begging of the trail with the same look on his face as before. I said to him “Thank you.”, and started on the trail.
The trail was fairly easy to follow but seemed to wind around in extravagant ways. When I came to the end at first I saw nothing but then found Larteze sitting at a fire with a smile on his face as he saw me approach.
“You didn’t think I would let you partake in this until after I had seen the god did you,” Larteze laughed as a hyena.
A smile cracked on my face as I said “I was beginning to. How did you get up here so quickly?”
“The path I gave you was a test to see if you would go trough with your plan. Just in case you did I took the shorter path to get here.”
“Thank you. Now let us prepare.”
As Larteze set up the ritual to summon Drel I inscribed runes on my sword to take his powers. Larteze bought Drel into our midst and I jumped from hiding yelling” Abrigelnfahigkeit!” As he died all he said was “Why?”
I now had power far beyond any man had ever had and with it greatest feeling of guilt.

Comments

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ShadowMagic on May 4, 2009, 4:13:24 AM

ShadowMagic on
ShadowMagicgreat story, but i wish the fight scene with the god was a bit longer, because they are trying to kill a god. Awesome story ^-^

Nyte on May 4, 2009, 7:05:13 AM

Nyte on
Nyteyea well when i first wrote it it was a short story and i was already over but i will definately re write it some day but it really isnt much of a surprise more of an ambush but i am working on the most epic of battles ever!!!!

Nyte on July 13, 2008, 3:57:44 PM

Nyte on
Nytewith each of my stories the epicness increases exponentially ( srry for the long geeky word)

thedudedisturbed on August 7, 2008, 1:37:36 PM

thedudedisturbed on
thedudedisturbedarrogance does not go over well among the art and writing community.

Yvette on July 14, 2008, 9:36:12 AM

Yvette on
YvetteActually I enjoy long geeky words as you call them!

AlyssaC on July 20, 2008, 7:35:35 AM

AlyssaC on
AlyssaCooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!! wow! great story! god...dead...O.o haha! keep up the story! i'd love to hear the rest!

Hinata102 on July 17, 2008, 8:42:10 AM

Hinata102 on
Hinata102I will be your ctitic ok? ^-^ now then the opening is starting out nicely but as you read down to the dialogue the characters are pretty bland.
I know he is a monk and all but this guy is a huge stranger their should have been a longer talking to the point where I could believe that they may trust each other or if you didn't want that the monk could have been a friend of his father's or something, although you would have to change the speech around quite a bit.
Also after the dialoge it says they became close but how did they become close? Need more detail there. When he summons the guy where did he get that sword and exactly why would this priest decide to help him. I have another question why is it it was that god instead of perhaps a less popular one? What are his reasons behind doing this?

These are some things to consider when making a final draft. But don't worry ^-^ I do enjoy the story so far but I still will be a critic.

TwilightsBane on July 16, 2008, 10:36:57 AM

TwilightsBane on
TwilightsBaneIts very good for a rough draft and an opening chapter. I guess I can't really judge the story untill I've read all of it... but it is off to a good start.

ZombieSammy13 on July 15, 2008, 5:01:30 PM

ZombieSammy13 on
ZombieSammy13wow, thats cool :3

Nyte on July 15, 2008, 5:06:33 PM

Nyte on
Nytethank yea very much

garaworshiper on July 15, 2008, 4:09:15 PM

garaworshiper on
garaworshiperthe god got powned, and by such a random word too, wouldnt the god at least put up a fight? i mean, he is a god, could he be killed that easily?

Nyte on July 15, 2008, 4:15:56 PM

Nyte on
Nyte*sigh* ur gonna make me give away part of the third story. but dont worry for now if u really want to know i can pm u

Volorios on July 15, 2008, 4:00:24 PM

Volorios on
Voloriosit was pretty good, just a few mistakes in word order

Nyte on July 15, 2008, 4:01:26 PM

Nyte on
Nytethank u and i will be reworking the whole story someday so it is more on par with the others

Volorios on July 15, 2008, 4:02:02 PM

Volorios on
Voloriosalright then, I look forward to it.

Yvette on July 14, 2008, 9:52:49 AM

Yvette on
YvetteOkay I have a few things to say.
1.)Your beginning sentence is okay but I found that if you give a little more detail you might be able to hook readers more.
2.)I liked your choice of wording and you varied your sentences but I found that in a few places you could have been more descriptive.
3.)I found two mistakes;I believe you meant to say "beginning" but you wrote begging on the 23rd line from the top and on the 5th line from the bottom you wrote trough and I think you meant "through".
4.)Finally why did Nyte say "Abrigelnfahigkeit!"? Did he read that in the book? You should say that,adn maybe you can tell some other things that are in the book that he finds.

*One thing is definetly for sure though, you a good writer and if you devlope your skills a little more you'd be an awesome writer! I'd like to hear the rest of this story if you could write more.Let me know what you think of my anology and if you think I helped you could you tell you're friends about me?

Nyte on July 14, 2008, 12:39:03 PM

Nyte on
Nytewell this started out as a essay for english class that had to be under 800 words which i passed i plan on eventually am going to rewrite it and sadly i dont remember what Abrigelnfahigkeit meant but i do remember that it was a few german words mushed together to cut ack on word count but i havent discovered there meaning. wait i think it had something to do with sealing in fire i think but it will be changed once i have rewritten the story ithink most the other things will also be fixed with the rewrite. hopefully

AdventChild13 on July 14, 2008, 4:59:00 AM

AdventChild13 on
AdventChild13wow.... O.o
very... nice....
*runs away from such scary greatness* *gulp*
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