Chapter 1 - The Story so Far

The Story So FarAuthor’s Notes: This was originally meant to be a storywhich expounded upon the horrors the universe has thrust upon Lord Fluffy.However, it refused to be written that way and, thus, we end up with… this…mess of strangeness.
            All ideasconcerning Lord Fluffy come from me and, thus, are my opinion. They are also myattempt to make you laugh. If they don’t, that’s sad, and it they do, then youcan get a cookie.
 
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 [/i]
The story so far: Inthe beginning the universe was created.[/i]
 This has made a lot of people very angry andbeen widely regarded as a bad move.[/i]
 
            Sesshoumaru,walking through the forest as he was, considered himself to be a part of thegroup of people who were very angry at the universe for being created. Hegenerally agreed with their regarding the creation of the universe as a badmove. If, per chance, the universe hadn’t been created, he wouldn’t have beenforced into his current, long-suffering situation.
            He mulledover that for a moment. Yes, he did seem to have many problems. Three of whichwere following him quite insistently. It wasn’t that he hadn’t tried to get ridof them, but with all the other things he had to deal with, he shouldn’t reallyexpected to have to take care of them as well. Sesshoumaru, in his infinitewisdom, figured that, by now, two of the problems should have realized this andleft, which would have taken care of the third problem.
            “You’veruined my robes! You stupid human brat!” The whine nearly caused Sesshoumaru toflinch. Nearly. Sesshoumaru would never allow him to flinch; he was too prodigiousfor flinching.
            “You’re somean!!” a high-pitched voice shrieked in reply. Again, he nearly flinched. Buthe was Sesshoumaru. And Sesshoumaru did not flinch. Flinching was one of themany things Sesshoumaru did not do, including, but not limited to, completelyignoring the blithering idiots behind him.
            Now thatwas an interesting word, he mused as he continued on. Blithering. Was it evenJapanese? He didn’t think so, but then he couldn’t quite recall where he hadheard it last, only that the yokai who had used it on him was now quitethoroughly mauled. Sesshoumaru didn’t necessarily understand what blitheringmeant, although he’d never admit it—he was Sesshoumaru and Sesshoumaru alwaysknew everything there was to know—but the yokai had been snide enough whileusing the word. Clearly, that yokai had not been able to comprehend the greatwonderfulness that was Sesshoumaru.
            “Sesshoumaru-sama!”Rin squealed. “Jaken-sama is being mean to me!”
            “Sesshoumaru-sama,you mustn’t listen to the human brat! She ruined my new robes!” Jaken whined.
            Sesshoumaruallowed himself a daydream in which he mauled Jaken quite thoroughly, that hemight never place his grating voice in Sesshoumaru’s hearing again. Rin he onlychastised lightly in his mind. If he was too harsh, she would try to bring himflowers to apologize. And if Sesshoumaru did not need more of something, he wasquite sure he did not need more flowers.
            “Sesshoumaru-sama!”two voices whined/shrieked behind him.
            “Silence,” hereplied.
            As he wasSesshoumaru, he didn’t need to explain further. And they stopped talking. Thiswas good, considering Sesshoumaru was about to run one of them through withToukijin. Rin he would bring back with Tenseiga; Jaken he would leave for a while.
            After a fewmoments of blissful silence, Rin skipped up to his side and looked up at himwith huge brown eyes. Sesshoumaru would have groaned if he was any less ayokai. The child wanted something. She only looked at him like that when shewanted something and, of course, that something was not going to be easy forhim to locate. No, it would involve changing direction and detouring all theway to the mainland. Like last time, when she had decided she wanted to be sickand miserable.
            Sesshoumarucouldn’t fathom why she continued on like that. Any normal person would haveshut up and dealt with it, but not Rin. She whined and moaned and was generallypathetic until he traveled to a far land and returned with the cure. He had, ofcourse, debated lopping her head off and then healing her with Tenseiga, butsomething about that just didn’t strike his fancy. Now, if it had been InuYasha or Jaken it would have been different.
            “Yes, Rin?”he growled, not looking at her as he walked across the grass.
            “I’mhungry, Sesshoumaru-sama.”
            “Ah-Un’spacks have meat in them, as well as berries. Eat those,” he replied.
            Rin shookher head. “Those things are all gone.”
            “Oh.”Sesshoumaru refused to believe that was a question. He wasn’t asking aquestion, merely raising his voice ever so slightly. As he was Sesshoumaru, heknew everything there was to know and, thus, there was no need to askquestions.
            “Can we gosomewhere to get food?” Rin asked.
            Sesshoumarusaid nothing in reply, merely turning and heading across the field towards thetown he smelled in the distance. Human stench was unbearable, he decided as hewalked along. It was overpowering, and his sensitive nose didn’t appreciate itat all. One would think humans had enough pride to clean themselves as theywere so prideful in just about everything else. Alas, though, they had no idea.Ignorant, stupid fools. They weren’t worth his time.
            He frowned,mentally of course, since his only expression was cold disinterest, wonderingwhy he was even thinking about them if they weren’t worth his time. He decidedhe was spending far too much time around Rin and promptly stopped thinking ingeneral. This was a difficult feat for him, since he was so important. Healways had something to be thinking of, but now he refused to think at all. Notat all. No. He wouldn’t think. No.
            A thoughtcrept its way across his mind, reminding him that he had a land treaty to dealwith, as well as an idiotic younger brother who kept messing said land treatyup by traipsing across the whole of Honshu asif he owned it. Idiot. Stupid, idiotic hanyou. Sesshoumaru thought he had bestdo something about Inu Yasha soon. Then he snarled, internally of course,reminding himself that he shouldn’t be thinking. Then he wondered if thinkingabout not thinking constituted thinking in general.
            By the timehis group had reached the human village and he had sufficiently scared the hellout of everyone to get Rin food, he didn’t know if thinking about not thinkingconstituted thinking in general. Instead of having an answer, he had a viciousmigraine and a stomach ache. He wanted nothing more than to go home and indulgein a smoke that he had received from a rather dead merchant from the mainland.The smoke would make him forget all about his migraine and his stomach ache.One of his retainers had expressed surprise that Sesshoumaru would be smokingopium, so he was promptly killed. Sesshoumaru did as he pleased and ifSesshoumaru decided to chain smoke opium, then, by all the gods, he would.
            As Rin and Jaken vied for yakiniku[/i] and yosenabe[/i], Sesshoumaru decided to go for a walk in hopes that hishead ache would go away. He walked from the village, the innkeeper eyeing himsuspiciously. Sesshoumaru figured the man would cease to feed his ward andretainer with him gone, even if Ah-Un was breathing down the idiot human’sneck, so he promptly stuck his claws into a tree and melted it with his poison.Flicking melted bark from his fingers, he continued on his way, enjoying thenoise the man’s knees made as they banged together.
            Oncesufficiently far from the village, Sesshoumaru pulled a bottle of sake[/i] from his kimono sleeve, uncorkedit, and downed half of it in one gulp. Sesshoumaru would not, of course, everdrink like that in front of anyone else. No one needed to know thatSesshoumaru, the most powerful yokai in Japan, was something of a heavydrinker. He couldn’t get drunk, which pleased him immensely, as a yokai’s bodyconsumed liquor far faster than any human’s body, but he still enjoyed tossingback a good bottle of sake. Often.
            Off to theleft, his sensitive ears picked up a rather large explosion. He growled,figuring it was probably his idiotic hanyou half-brother once again trying toruin his land treaty. Sesshoumaru turned on his heel and bounded across theland, dropping his bottle of sake and vowing to break every bone in Inu Yasha’sbody, starting at his toes and ending at his neck. No, better than that,Sesshoumaru would grind those bones into a fine powder after extracting themfrom the idiot hanyou’s body. And then he would use the bone powder to makebread. This, Sesshoumaru decided, was a fine idea and worth his immediateattention. Then he wondered if a decision was considered thinking, which lefthim to wonder if he had ever decided to start thinking again.
            Sesshoumarubroke through the trees, ready to tear his brother to shreds, along with thetaijiya, the houshi, the kitsune pup, and the woman he assumed to be aprostitute. No woman that he knew of, human or yokai, dressed like she did.Instead of finding his brother, however, he discovered, much not[/i] to his surprise as he was abovefeeling anything, a rather angry looking red haired human woman screaming atanother human woman, this one with blonde hair. A black haired human girl stoodoff to the side looking perturbed and beside her stood something that lookedlike a demon, but probably wasn’t. Sesshoumaru cursed himself for standingdownwind, but then recalled that he was himself and, thus, was incapable ofdoing anything wrong. Therefore he was exactly where he should be, whether hecould scent them or not. It didn’t matter, he told himself, that he wanted tocatch their scent to figure out just who they were. Sesshoumaru’s eyebrowstwitched momentarily as he reminded himself that he was above curiosity.
            He watchedidly as the red head closed her hands around the blonde’s neck, wondering whatthe former hoped to accomplish. It was plain, to him at least, that she was notgoing to succeed in harming the other woman.
            “Lina!” theother woman screamed, clawing at Lina’s hands. “Let go! I can’t breathe!”
            “Gourry,you’ve gone and screw up another spell and now we don’t know where we are, orwhen we are, and I’m going to rip your head off!” Lina shrieked.
            Sesshoumarustuck a finger in one ear. He corrected his mind on an earlier note he had madeto himself: He felt more than just cold indifference. He felt anger. And rage.He felt that his brother was extremely stupid. He also felt annoyance. And, atthis moment, Sesshoumaru was very annoyed. Didn’t the stupid human womanrealize she was shouting loud enough to wake the dead? Obviously not. Humanswere pitifully oblivious when it came to such things.
            The manwith the stone face pointed towards where Sesshoumaru stood, and the yokai’slip curled. The stupid stone human dared to announce his presence beforeSesshoumaru was good and ready to do it himself. Sesshoumaru decided that hewould make bread from his brother’s ground up bones after he had watchedstone-man’s skin slough off.
            “Lina, there’ssomeone there.”
            Sesshoumarugrowled softly as Lina turned, along with Gourry and the yet unnamed blackhaired girl. These humans were such idiots, which really wasn’t much of anobservation, as most other humans were much the same. What had ever possessedthem to move out of the trees floored Sesshoumaru. He couldn’t understand howthey could be stupid enough to be standing in his presence. They should be onthe ground, their faces pressed in to the dirt, not pointing at him and makingstupid comments about how Sesshoumaru was gracing them with his presence.
            “Who thehell are you, pretty boy?” Lina asked, walking up to him, the others trailingher.
            Sesshoumarudecided to be somewhat amicable, and turned his icy stare on her as she stoodbefore him, hands on hips, looking vaguely annoyed. She, Sesshoumaru figured tohimself, should not be looking so annoyed. If anyone had the right to beannoyed, Sesshoumaru did. He decided to ignore her and look at the other two.
            “Excuseyou, I asked you a question,” she snapped.
            Sesshoumaruwondered how her blood would feel under his nails. It would be very relaxing torip her throat out. If he did that, he wouldn’t have to listen to thatannoying, screechy, high-pitched voice of hers. Continuing to imagine such things,he went on with ignoring her.
            “MissLina—”
            “Shut up,Amelia.”
            Sesshoumarufelt her presence come closer as he studied the blonde woman named Gourry. Hiseyebrows twitched when he realized that Gourry was, in fact, quite male. It wasthe hair, Sesshoumaru decided as he regarded the stupid human, which made himlook like a woman. He came to the conclusion that the idiotic man should cut itoff, and briefly entertained the thought of cutting it off for him, along withhis head and arms and legs.
            “Hey,buddy,” Lina snapped as she reached out and grabbed Sesshoumaru’s arm,obviously intending to turn him to her.
            Sesshoumarulooked down at her hand, and then looked up at her. He smiled.
            A momentlater, Sesshoumaru found himself holding Lina off the ground by her throat, theother three human idiots trying to attack him. Or something. He wasn’t quitesure just what they were doing, nor was he quite sure how he ended up with thestupid human in his hands, hanging above the ground. So he dropped her.
            “These aremy lands,” he said, looking bored. “Get off them.”
            Linacoughed for a moment, and Sesshoumaru watched her idly.
            “You jerk,”she finally ground out.
            Jerk.Sesshoumaru wondered if that was supposed to be an insult. He didn’t recognizethe word. However, the way she spoke indicated that it probably was an insult,and no one insulted Sesshoumaru. He figured it was time she was personallyintroduced to his poison.
            As he cameto this decision, however, there was an obscenely loud clap of noiseless thunder,something that would have confused any other living creature, and two morepeople appeared.
            A purplehaired man fell out of the sky, much not to Sesshoumaru’s surprise, and landedon top of Lina. Another man, swathed in an utterly ridiculous ensemble that hadto be crushing his balls, fell from the sky to the ground right next to Lina.His hair, Sesshoumaru noted, was an incredibly annoying shade of blue-green.
            “Xelloss!”stone-man hissed. “How did you get here?”
            “I’m nottoo sure, Zelgadis. Why do you ask?”
            “And whatthe hell is Valgaav doing here?” Lina shrieked, pushing Xelloss off her body.
            Sesshoumarufound himself growing annoyed that the humans were loosing focus. They weren’tsupposed to be focused on this Valgaav, or this Xelloss. Those people werecompletely unimportant. Sesshoumaru resigned himself to the realization thatthe humans simply didn’t understand that they were in the presence ofgreatness.
            Valgaav,intelligent human that he was, or, Sesshoumaru amended his thought, as intelligentas a human could be, turned his attention to Sesshoumaru. Sesshoumaru was quitepleased as the human’s eyes widened.
            “He’s evenmore of a challenge than you, Lina!” Valgaav exclaimed.
            “What thehell does that mean?!” Lina shrieked.
            Sesshoumarusnorted. “Of course I am a challenge,” he said idly, scenting Valgaav. Hewasn’t human, nor was he a demon, and he wasn’t anywhere near as powerful asSesshoumaru. “I am Sesshoumaru.”
            “Go figure.You tell Valgaav[/i] who you are…” Linagrumbled, looking upset.
            “Oh, my!”Xelloss said, turning to attempt to illuminate Sesshoumaru’s existence with apitifully fake smile. “It seems to me that Valgaav is going to fight thisSesshoumaru!”
            Valgaavsmirked at Sesshoumaru, who began to feel something more than vague annoyance.The itch that formed on the back of his neck when someone presumed they werebetter than he came into full effect. It was then that Sesshoumaru decided hedidn’t care for Valgaav much at all. In fact, he cared for Valgaav about asmuch as he cared for Inu Yasha. However, Rin, Jaken, and Ah-Un were comingtowards him and he didn’t have much time to deal with this moronic creaturethat insisted on standing before him and taking up space that could be betterused.
            Sesshoumarublinked at the warm tingle suddenly engulfing his right side and glanced overto see that he was on fire. Sesshoumaru blinked again and the fire went out.
            “Hesurvived Valgaav’s fire?!” Lina was shrieking. Sesshoumaru decided ripping herthroat out would be too kind. He’d have to do something else, but he wasfeeling too annoyed with Valgaav at the moment to be creative. The stupid,foolish, idiotic, moronic thing had singed his outfit.
            He lookedup as Valgaav lunged at him, holding a strange looking weapon in his hand.Sesshoumaru stepped to the side and, in the same fluid motion, drew Tokijin andflicked it at Valgaav. When Toukijin’s blue light faded, Valgaav’s skeletongraced the ground he had been standing on moments before.
            Sesshoumarusmiled.
            SheathingTokijin, he fought a brief battle with Tenseiga about killing unnecessarily anddisrupting other timelines. What did Sesshoumaru care about other timelines? Ifthe humans were stupid enough to end up in his word and make him angry, thenanything that happened as a result of his anger was a consequence they wouldhave to deal with. It wasn’t his job to preserve any timelines.
            He turnedas Ah-Un appeared from the forest, Jaken leading the dragon and Rin on itsback. He turned again and walked by the still stunned humans, who were allgaping like fools, and continued on his way.
            Theuniverse, he decided as he walked, was clearly out to get him. It kept throwingstupid things like this at him in some sick, pathetic attempt to get him to dosomething that he quite obviously wasn’t about to do. It also didn’t help thatSesshoumaru had no idea what the universe wanted him to do in the first place.Maybe, if he did, he could avoid it better. Let it never be said thatSesshoumaru cared about the general state of the universe. The universe, hebelieved, was a mistake to begin with.
            “Sesshoumaru-sama!”Rin called as she skipped up to his side. “Can we find Kohaku?”
            Sesshoumarusaid nothing, having exceeded his word quota for the month by twenty sevenwords.
            “I’d reallylike to see him again,” Rin continued. She spun in a little circle and pluckeda flower from the side of the road, bringing to her face and inhaling deeply.Sesshoumaru wondered vaguely why she didn’t vomit after smelling something sodisgustingly sweet. “But, you know, alone this time.”
            Sesshoumarusteeled himself to say nothing, focusing instead on how he had exceeded hismonthly word quota.
            “It’s justnot the same when you have a father-figure hanging around when you’re with apotential boyfriend,” Rin added before skipping back to Ah-Un.
            Yes,Sesshoumaru seethed to himself, the universe was a sick, sick twisted place. Ithad a sick, twisted sense of humor and enjoyed making jokes at his expense. Itwas the only explanation for the many problems that had been dumped uponSesshoumaru by the universe. He had a stupid, idiotic hanyou brother thattraipsed about Honshu and messed up importantland treaties. He had a human ward that wanted to make nice, and who knew whatelse, with an enemy. He had a retainer that wouldn’t know common sense if itdanced about in a fuzzy clown suit with a neon sign above it—not thatSesshoumaru knew what a clown was, or a neon sign for that matter. And, to topit all off, he had a stupid sword that yelled at him for upsetting the harmonicflow of the universe.
            Sesshoumarudecided at that moment that his purpose, henceforth, would be to hunt down thefool who had created the universe, which was, quite obviously, a bad move, andkill him. He breathed the sigh of the martyred and continued on.
 
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In case you’re wondering, Sesshoumaru speaks exactlythirty-two words throughout this fanfiction. If hehas exceeded his monthly word quota by twenty-seven words, simple math revealshis monthly word quota to be five words. Sucks for him when he makes speechesto his dumb brother.
 
Notes:[/b]
Yakiniku[/i]:Traditional Japanese dish—sautéed beef and vegetables
Yosenabe[/i]:Traditional Japanese dish—simmered fish and chicken with vegetables and noodles,a soup

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