Chapter 1 - Semekage

Author: EvilChopstix





Title: Semekage-sama.





Category: Crack





A/N: I thought this up while chatting in a Naruto yaoi guild in Gaia. I tried my best to keep this pg-13. Out of boredom and a bit rushed.

















Orochimaru had a dream. This dream included knowing all jutsus known to man, get revenge and take over Konoha, and take a certain Uchiha's body. During the chuunin exams, Orochimaru obtained one those goals. Taking over Konoha.











Oh yes. You heard right. The sexy snake man was now ruling over Konoha. Now, ruling over konoha technically meant he was the Godaime Hokage. Orochimaru didn't take a liking to that title. Of course, it meant he was the top nin in the country. But seriously, being the fifth fire shadow. Fire Shadow, Pfft, how boring. So our beloved Orochimaru came up with a much, much better name.











Shodai Semekage. See? Much better. Since Orochimaru proclaimed all Oto and Konoha nins his doges and hoes, he thought it suited him well.











But Orochimaru had a problem on his snaky slender hands. What to do with taking Sasuslut's...er...Sasuke's beloved body? He wanted the said body, but wanted it in a different way than his original plan. So he decided not to overtake the young Uchiha heir body. Instead, he made him his personal dog along with Kabuto.











Oh yes. Life was good.











Along his reign as Semekage, he decided to hold daily orgies. He called it Orgymaru time. It had such a nice ring to it. Along the way, Orochimaru decided women were useless. So he got rid of them. They were stashed away in caves and only used as breeding doges. That was they useful thing for, to him anyway. What hell did he want with a va-jay-jay? He thought they were homely things that looked like it would grow jaws and eat you.











So the snake man wasn't straight. Who gave a rat's @$$? He was the god damn Semekage!











But one day, there was a disturbance in his reign. A disturbance that would change Konoha forever.











That damn sexy weasel returned. The sole purpose of why Orochimaru had left the Akatsuki.











Uchiha Itachi.











"What the hell do you think you're doing here. In MY village?











Itachi arched an eyebrow. "Shut it snake. I've come here for only one reason. To take what's rightfully mine."











"And what, pray tell, would that be?"











Itachi rolled his eyes. "You know damn well what I want. Hand over my otouto, his @$$ is mine for buttsecksing."











"Never! You always get what you want! When I was in the akatsuki, you never let me have you, so I ended up with second best! If you want Sasu-kun then we shall fight to the death!"











"Hmph. Fine with me, you won't be much of a challenge you impotent geezer. Name the time, place, and rules. And I'll be there to kick your @$$ and take my otouto."











"Midnight. My mansion's backyard. We fight to the death, in chocolate pudding."











"Bring it on."











"Oh, it's already been brought, you sexy weasel, you."











----------------(^/-^)---------------------











It was now midnight. In Orochimaru's layer there was a large wrestling ring filled with chocolate pudding.











The two entered the ring, shedding their offending clothes wearing nothing but speedos. Oh yes, speedos, and not just any kind of speedos, Itachi wore one proudly with the Akatsuki cloud on his bum and Orochi had a snake on his front side.











The two charged at each other, slick chocolate covered bodies battled for dominance. On one side of the ring were the Akatsuki members cheering on the sexy weasel, the other side contained Kabuto and Orochimaru's loyal followers screaming like banshees.











"Nii-san, Orochimaru, what the hell are you two doing?"











That voice!












The two turned around to find Sasuke, bare-chested and hot pants. His official shinobi uniform.











Sasuke + half naked-ness + super tight short-shorts + Itachi + Orochimaru = Super hot buttsecks time.











Itachi turned to the snake bastard. "You thinking what I'm thinking?"











"Yeah. Fight later. Ravish him, NOW!"











So the two jumped him and did it right there.











In the end, they were all covered in chocolate and other substances. And Orochimaru agreed with Itachi they would share Sasuke to molest. Sasuke was tentacle raped five times a day. And somewhere along the line Naruto got M-pregg0rz.











Moral of the story?





Yay for threesome buttsecks.

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