Chapter 19 - what

What's wrong?

why am i feeling this way?

It's driving me insane,

I feel anger, sadness, happiness and pain.

I can't explain.

Flashbacks are hunting me down.

It's making me afraid.

I don't dare to sleep, afraid of the nightmares that will come…

People say they want to help and I know they mean it good.

And they don't have bad intentions.

But how can I say to them, what's bothering me, I could but they wouldn't understand.

They'd say they will help me but they don't understand how I feel.

And then there is another thing I don't want to saddle someone else up, with problems that I have, they've got their own ones, and even if they say they don't I can't tell.

Don't ask me why,

How do you think I feel about it.

I really try, to live a life like the rest.

but there are things that make me different from the rest.

I'm to scared to sleep and I still don't get why.

I don't get why I always managed to live.

16 years long,

no problems,

no flashbacks,

just like the rest sleeping at night.

But since I became 16 it began.

It started little so I thought it would go over in a time.

But no it got worse.

The thing that frightens me most is: I don't know how much longer I can take it.

I'm to scared of losing my friends what I'm afraid I've already lost them.

My life is a mess, why was I born?

Why do I have to live with it.

Every day I wonder why.

I wonder how I would react if those who did it to me would stand in front of me,

I don't know.

My hate against my brother you really think it came out of nothing?

I mean for god sake, is it normal when you own brother born from the same flesh and blood tries to kill you?

Is that normal? Is it normal when he uses as excuse that he was only twelve and he couldn't control himself?

Imagine how it was for me… I was only eleven and to shocked to do something.

Are you still wondering why I hate him? I never forgave him that and I never will.



Was I born live this freaking life?

Was I chosen for all this misery?

These are the questions I often ask myself.

Is it al just test? About how much a human can take before it commits suicide or before it goes crazy?

I don't know all I know is it's eating me alive.

Everyday I go to school with a fake smile and if I don't manage that I just tell them I didn't sleep well.

I can't take it much longer.

It's my own fault that these things happened to me on the one or the other way I called these things upon me.

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