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Chapter 2 - Newcomers

Just an idea I had, lemme know what you think.

And btw I borrowed the bad guys from actual myths lol

Also please make sure to check out the Q&A section (for background info on Hellfire), I'll be updating it periodically.

Chapter 2 - Newcomers

Chapter 2 - Newcomers
Astar was the first to wake up. He looked around, thrown slightly aback by his new surroundings. They had decided to stay in the only safe place they could think of, an abandoned chapel. He stood up and walked over to Kaesi. “Wake up,” he said, shaking her slightly.

She yawned and sat up. “Is Alagor up yet?” she asked through another yawn.

Astar turned his head to look at Alagor. Astar’s hand began to glow and suddenly a ball of red fire appeared. He opened his hand suddenly and the flame soared toward Alagor, hitting him in the chest. Alagor woke with a start, falling out of the seat he had fallen asleep on.

“Yeah, he’s up,” Astar said.

Alagor got up, brushing himself off. “I don’t remember asking for the alarm clock from hell,” he said. He cracked his neck on both sides then continued, “So have you guys picked out names and forms yet?”

“Devon,” Astar replied. His body began to suddenly change, becoming more human. His eyes softened to a light green; his tail faded away. Suddenly a shirt, pants, and jacket formed around his body.

“Cute,” Kaesi said. “And I think I’m going to go with Nikita,” she finished as her body too began to transform. Her eyes also turned green and her tail disappeared. “And you, Alagor?”

“Terance,” he answered, eyes fading to gray and his clothes forming around him. He noted that his and Kaesi’s skin had grown paler upon transforming, while Astar’s had stayed the same. “Well then,” he said, “I guess we should go. This is gonna suck.”
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“Good morning class,” said a tall woman.

“Morning Mrs. Bailey,” came the mumbled response from the class.

“Today we’ve got three new students joining us. Now I want everyone to be kind to them, they’ve lost both their parents.” She motioned for the new students to come in. “Class, please welcome Terance, Devon, and Nikita Shay.”
The three sat down at empty desks in the back. There was only one other person in the row, a blonde haired boy with glasses.

“Now you three, Noah there will help you get used to everything here, ok?”
Devon nodded to communicate the groups acknowledgment. Noah didn’t look any more thrilled about it than they did.
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After school the three were walking home, venting to each other.

“How do people do that every day?” Terance said, holding his hands on his head. “Four hundred plus years in hell and I still hated that.”

“It gets easier,” Devon said. “Not much, but still.”

“Hey, wasn’t that Noah kid supposed to walk home with us?” Nikita asked.

“We told him where to find us,” Devon said, “he’ll come by if he needs to.”

Noah looked at the clock: it was nearly ten o’clock.
Damn,” he thought, picking up his backpack. “I gotta go talk to those new kids before school tomorrow, hope it isn’t too late.” He headed towards the door, shouting upstairs, “Be back soon, Mom, just gotta run a quick errand,” he finished, shutting the door behind him. As he walked along the road he thought how glad he was that the old chapel was just down the street. He looked down and slowed down for a minute as he noticed what seemed to be footprints etched into the pavement.

“You’d think I’d remember something like that,” he said to himself. He looked up, realizing that he had reached the chapel.

Comments

Comments (8)

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MagusFarlorn on November 18, 2008, 9:00:55 AM

MagusFarlorn on
MagusFarlornNot bad, but not as good as the first chapter. It seems rather rushed in fact.

The only major problem I see is that it seems all three demons are pretending to be from one human family. Why are they all in the same class? It would be odd if they were the same (human) age. It would make more sense if they had lost two sets of parents in some unspecified disaster. This is particularly appropriate since Astar is darker-skinned, and wouldn't seem related. Am I just misreading it?

The minor problem (concern, really) is that it seemed at first the demons weren't too familiar with Earth (assuming it is Earth). How did they know what names to pick, or what style clothing to wear?

You could add a nice touch (assuming you are ever in the mood to edit) by adding a back-story character that provided them with the necessary info. When they change, they might be in clothing that is horribly out of date. After all, demons might not keep up-to-date records. What's a century to a demon?

Also, entering school isn't that easy. They'd need to fake some kind of records, and fill out forms. Again, this seems like something beyond our trio.

Why enter school at all? This would seem to limit them in their mission. It would certainly make them less mobile. If, however, they need to learn about the human world in order to function smoothly, it would be the perfect place.

bookworm369 on November 18, 2008, 10:02:46 AM

bookworm369 on
bookworm369ALSO (sorry i keep thinking of things lol) in response to the comment i accidentally deleted, keep in mind that Noah reads alot of books on mythology; its not a stretch for him to immediately think "vampire" when he sees a red eyed fanged creature

MagusFarlorn on November 22, 2008, 10:26:10 AM

MagusFarlorn on
MagusFarlornConsidering the difference in my age and Noah's, I've probably read at least 3x the mythology that he has. Nonetheless, my first response would not be to stake someone that looks vampirish. The first might be to put some distance between it and myself (I think an ocean's length might do), or to ask what's up. Remember, you established this as the day after Halloween. I think anyone over the age of two would think "vampire" but I meant that most people wouldn't attack as a first response. The thought of "Oh, my God, I just killed a guy in a costume!" would keep my hand back, unless he tried something freaky.

bookworm369 on November 18, 2008, 9:56:47 AM

bookworm369 on
bookworm369thanks for the critism, its good to have feedback. (btw didnt mean to delete your other comment, sorry^^")
and yea trust me, i noticed all those problems too, i was just too lazy to fix it

bookworm369 on November 18, 2008, 9:58:26 AM

bookworm369 on
bookworm369oh also i kind of assumed this was an understood thing, the demons keep up with the human world, and as for the family thing and the age thing....i just kinda took a shortcut, sorry if that bothered you

MagusFarlorn on November 22, 2008, 10:15:22 AM

MagusFarlorn on
MagusFarlornYou want to remember that your audience only knows as much as you tell them. We can assume certain things (and you might lead us to believe them) but they might well be wrong. The only one who knows everything about your story is you. Regarding the age thing, the only thing about it that bothers me is the unlikely happenstance of three siblings in the same grade. Not impossible, but odd. Remember that you are operating under the "suspension of disbelief" system. In other words, the less things there are that the reader has trouble swallowing, the easier the story is to accept.

YoriXYamiForever on November 2, 2008, 1:45:35 AM

YoriXYamiForever on
YoriXYamiForever"Yeah, he's up."

LOL!! That was awesome ^_^

I TOTALLY AGREE WITH THE SCHOOL THING!! Absolutely horrible.

I love the personalities of your characters, you have a way with that ^^ I can't wait to keep reading!

KelekiahGaladrian on October 28, 2008, 3:48:49 AM

KelekiahGaladrian on
KelekiahGaladrianOnce again, lots of personality in it and it's short but sweet. The ending makes you want more. I'm excited to see more of it.

Great job! ^^

Sirengina on October 27, 2008, 11:02:29 AM

Sirengina on
SirenginaI like it Josh ^^
The demons are funny =3

Cant wait to read more <3

Blackwolfmoon on October 27, 2008, 9:21:07 AM

Blackwolfmoon on
Blackwolfmoonoh cool! =3 i like the demons additudes x3 keep writeing ^-^