June 8, 2010
June 9, 2010
|Pre-BbS, twoshot. TerraXAquaXVen Friendship.|
Who''''s to say that dreams and nightmares aren''''t as real as the here and now?
Category: Games » - by Publisher » Square-Enix » Kingdom Hearts series » Characters (KH1)
Chapter 1 - The Nightmare
Submitted: June 8, 2010 • Updated: June 9, 2010
Word count: 2581 • Size: 13k • Comments: 2 • views: 293
Chapter 2 - Just a Dream
Submitted: June 9, 2010 • Updated: June 9, 2010
Word count: 1825 • Size: 9k • Comments: 1 • views: 263
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TheGameArtCritic on June 10, 2010, 7:05:27 AM
Ok, WHAT? Terra cried also?
"It wouldn’t be impossible... for" seems... odd. The "..." seems misplaced. I know that that's the BIG THING in Japanese manga, and anime, and shoot, but really? In the writing too? Pleases to getting rids of that, yes?
'“So that’s what he was saying—“
“And then Terra raised his arm—“
“And a-attacked Master Eraqus...!”' is a very good composition of dialogue. The interruptions between them shows how they're all feeling at the moment, as well as their relationships with one another. Another example of this kind of writing is in Lord of the Flies, between Sam and Eric (or Samaneric. XD)
"that horrible, painful event" why was it painful if it was just a dream? If it was more than just that, then wouldn't Terra have said something about that? Questioned it?
" imagine the pain her friend had felt" ok, once again, if it was JUST a DREAM...
'“I mean, why should we have to suffer like that? We’ve never done anything wrong, why should we deserve that?”' huh? What? You're killing me, Mish.
Ok, so that's that. When you write stuff like this, make sure to read it over outloud, and see if you hear anything that sounds... off. That's what I do. ^^
TheGameArtCritic on June 8, 2010, 8:40:18 AM
" never considering the fact that this speck might turn out to be something dangerous." gives away the fact, to the reader, that it is something dangerous, which destroys all sense of surprise, and horror.
"he looked so.... dead." should be "he usually looked so... dead", or else, because this story is in past-tense, it would mean that at the moment, he looked dead.
"feels like it was only yesterday when Master Xehanort brought Ven to us.." ARGH SPOILER
"AS IF IT had grown scales. He suddenly cried out and let go of his Keyblade, AS IF IT had" try not to use "as if it" two times in a row.
Ven's apparent death doesn't seem... DISTURBING ENOUGH... I dunno. Choking isn't unsettling. HOWEVER, many other forms of death ARE. :3 (see Vinice's beheading. XD)
"The monster had thrust its hand right into Terra’s chest. " DON'T JUST LEAVE IT AT THAT. You've created an opening, Mish - USE IT. Descibe the GORE. Gore is VERY disturbing.
"Terra’s heart being torn away from his chest." ONCE AGAIN. More description, plzthx. :D
I like the ending sentense. Very symbolic... if that was what you where going for. ^^;
mechadragon13 on June 8, 2010, 9:05:38 AM
1- line six- i see what you're saying, i'll see what to do about that.
2- but... Eraqus wasn't dangerous.... D:
3- will fx.
4- WHOOPS MY BAD. will warn in description next time ^^;
5- i was having issues with that. suggestions?
6- it's not choking, it's more like... crushing to death... but the thing is, he has to remain intact on the outside ofor the other part to work >.>
7- Gore. LOVELY. will use.
8- well, she only gets a split second to see it and register it before she gets pulled in....
9- it WAS what i was going for, actually. this story isn't meant to contain blatant spoilers, but it makes a bit more sense if you know what happens in tha game....
gotta go write the second part now. a nightmare's always freaky, but you're always gonna wake up.
TheGameArtCritic on June 8, 2010, 9:16:15 AM
2. Then add the whole "dangerous" part. XD
4. plzthx. DX
5. UM UM UM UM. I can't think of any at the moment, but similies and metaphors are a good place to start... like, OTHER than "as".
7. yes plz.
8. "The last thing she saw was Terra’s heart being torn away from his chest, it's dying beats still trying to pump out the remaining hot, sticky blood - spraying everywhere." that description is of something that can be glimpsed in a split second, but is far more horrifying, and it lets in tiny details.
9. Um... ok? ^^;
mechadragon13 on June 8, 2010, 9:21:01 AM
4- hey, at least it wasn't something major. like, Van's face, or the character's endings. :P
5- snrffffff not helping.
6- actually.... it WOULD be creepier for him to get mangled somehow, then be totally intact when he gets posessed... X3
8- thing is, it's not.... THAT heart. it's the KH heart. a shiny thing. although again, it is a nightmare, so blood coming out along with the shiny thing might work...
9- just wait until BbS comes out, play it, then read my twoshot. then it will make sense. XD
TheGameArtCritic on June 8, 2010, 9:41:19 AM
4. it's still huge. DX
5. I tried. DX
6. possessed? What? Did I miss something?
8. FFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU. Shiny pretty hearts DON'T WORK WITH BLOOD. And it makes it less disturbing. How disturbing do you want a story based on a video game set in the DISNEY-VERSE?
9. *frustrated pout*
mechadragon13 on June 8, 2010, 9:55:08 AM
4- not really, because you still don't know the when and the why and the how. :3
5- ASADJHFJASFA *explodes*
6- ....okay, either you're not paying attention, or i wasn't clear enoough. never mind.
8- well, replace Aqua with yourself and put your two best friends in the whole planet in the place of Terra and Ven, and tell me this-- would you be disturbed if it felt real enough?
9- hey, it's either wait 'till September or spoil it XD
TheGameArtCritic on June 8, 2010, 10:12:40 AM
mechadragon13 on June 8, 2010, 10:17:51 AM