Chapter 4 - pain of the past

I tilt my head back to the warmth of the sun, it feels nice coming through the window, I usually despise the sun, I prefer the darkness and coldness of the night to the warmth and brightness of day. I close my eyes and I'm far away in a meadow, I can smell the fresh are and the long grass, I look around and I'm not alone in this meadow, there's a small girl by a willow tree, I step towards her and feel a pain stab through me, it pierces my heart and retaliates through my whole body, what is this? I take another step and again I am pierced by pain, this time more intense. I look up to the girl, she's seen me now and she too is trying to reach me, I try to yell a warning, to warn her of the pain but nothing comes out, it's as if I have become mute, I start to cry, what is this place and why do I want to reach the girl so much?

I take a few more testing steps, with each the pain becomes more intense, I fall to the ground clutching at my stomach, so much pain. I hear the small girl fall to the ground also, I look up and see her not 10 meters away, I think of trying to reach her again, but the already unbearable pain reminds me it would certainly mean my death. What is causing this pain? Looking into the girls tear filled eyes I know that this isn't just any girl, I know her, I would know her better than any, it's me as a child, I reach out my hand to her, she does the same, we are still too far away.

My eyes open and a tear runs down my cheek, I'm back in my room, next to my window where I can still feel the suns warmth on my face. I can never return, I can't take back what has happened, I remember as a child I was always in a rush to grow up, I wanted to be someone's voice of reason, I wanted people to listen to me and because I always rushed I got hurt, all those days spent trying to grow up but never being able to when I wanted. Now I wish I had my childhood back, wish that I could recite my ABC's and have everyone be proud of me, everything was easier, but if I try return to my childhood all I will find is pain, no-one can return once they have grown up, it's not a fairy tale, we can't run away to never land like peter pan and never grow up, it has to happen sometime, even if we don't want it to.

There is a place where you go, where you can see yourself as you are and as you were, this place is meant to be one of torment, and you can't do anything without feeling the pain of what you have done, the pain you have inflicted onto others, pain you have inflicted onto yourself will all come back to you, you will not die though, if you can bear the pain of the past you will be able to find joy in the future.

Pain will make for peace.

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