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The Sad Half-Breeds and The Loving Couple

This is a story about Inuyasha and Aki(my character) being betrayed by Kagome and Hikaru (other character)
That's all I'm tellin' lol



Chapter 1 - The Half-Breeds and The Loving Couple
Submitted: March 27, 2006 • Updated: March 27, 2006
Word count: 3362 • Size: 17k • Comments: 1 • views: 189

Chapter 2 - chapter 2
Submitted: March 27, 2006 • Updated: March 27, 2006
Word count: 1172 • Size: 6k • Comments: 0 • views: 192


Comments (2)

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ObsessiveKougaFan on June 26, 2006, 12:20:36 AM

ObsessiveKougaFan on (Chapter: index)
ObsessiveKougaFanThis was...confusing. It was well written with very few grammar errors, however, you never once made to explain how they all met (Aside from how Aki and Hikaru met). This made it hard to understand a lot of what happened.
It is usually a good idea to expand on these sorts of things and let the readers in on how it all came along so that they don't feel left out or confused. Other wise it is likely that they will just stop reading with out even bothering to finish the story. 
It may be a good idea to separate the paragraphs better. Generally, you are supposed to start a new paragraph each time you switch to a different speaker. In this story the speaker didn't matter and you continued on with the same paragraph, doing this could cause confusion with some readers.
Those are the only suggestions I have. Over all, it was good, but very perplexing and hard to understand.