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Chapter 1 - Chapter 1

Lori and Sora are 18 years old and have just started dating...but what happens when Lori isnt allowed to see Sora?

Chapter 1 - Chapter 1

Chapter 1 - Chapter 1
Lori walked out of her house on a gloomy damp day. She was headed for the park, as she always did to think, draw and write. As she neared the park she got cold so she zippered her very light black sweatshirt over her black t-shirt.

“Damn..” she told her self as she got closer to the park

“I knew I should of put on a warmer jacket! But no ‘its not that cold out’ I told my self ‘ill only be there 30 minutes!’”

She saw that the bottom of her black baggy pants had gotten wet and muddy by the puddles she had stepped in, even thought she was wearing her black platform shoes.

“Great…” the thought

“more laundry, Jack-san isn’t going to be happy.”

Suddenly she stopped. She saw her best friend, Sora, waiting for her.

“Hey Sora-san!!” she called to him.

He looked up from his black umbrella. She could see that he was wearing his usual cloths, black pants, black shirt with a yellow rim, and same with she shoes.

“Hey…” he said.

She sat next to him on the bench.

“What are you doing here?” she asked him curiously.

“Well I was waiting for you.”

Lori thought for a minute.

“But why would you do that?” she asked.

“I need to tell you something….”

His brown spiky hair blew in the breeze as it always did, Lori’s knee length hair was blowing all around because she didn’t have time to put it up.

“W-What did you want to tell me? You know you can always tell me anything…”

Lori and Sora had been friends since they were 2 years old, they were now 18 and they had always told each other everything.

“T-The first time I saw you….I thought of magic…” he said not looking at her.

“W-What do u mean…?”

“What I mean is….well…its hard to explain…”

“Its ok I understa—-“
But she was broken off. Before she knew it Sora’s and her lips were touching. His hand was gently holding her head just below her ear. Lori started to relax, she knew what Sora had been trying to say, he wanted to say he loved her. She had loved him too except she didn’t have the courage to tell him. He pulled his head away. She looked up at him with tears in her eyes.

“What’s the matter?” he asked stroking her hair.

“Nothing…” she replied

“I’m just so happy.”

They embraced and then Lori checked her watch.

“Its time for me to go home.” She told him.

“I’ll walk you.” She smiled at him.

Now she finally knew why her sister Julie loved to be with her boyfriend all the time. They walked to Lori’s house hand in hand.

“I’ll see you tomorrow?” Sora asked when they reached the door. Lori gave him a kiss.

“Defiantly.” She replied with a smile, looking into his sea blue eyes.

She went into her house, pulled off her shoes and put on her slippers, then she went into her room and changed into her baby blue, black rimmed, yellow flowered silk kimono and plopped on her back on her silk-sheeted bed, closed her eyes and smiled.

“What are you so happy about?” she heard a voice from her door way.

It was her sister Julie. She wasn’t about to tell her sister about Sora being her first boyfriend because Julie was a tattletale, and besides, her family never liked Sora that much. “

Oh nothing…” she replied happily sighing.

“You know,” her sister said to her, Lori’s sea blue colored eyes were open now but they were fixed on the ceiling.

“What ever it is I’ll find out, by the way,” she went on

“Were where you? Princesses aren’t supposed to be out gallivanting in their city! Something could have happened to you!”

Lori rolled over to her left side to face her sister in the doorway and held her head up with her left hand.

“Just because I’m less cautious then you are doesn’t mean I can’t go to the park.” She told her sister. Julie stared at Lori.

“What did you do at the park?” she asked Lori

“You know what….its for me to know and for you to find out!”

Julie picked up Lori’s dirty cloths

“And what are you doing wearing these black cloths again!?! I told you not to wear them! Their not princess like!”

“Well what if I don’t want to be a princess!? What if I want to go to a public school, and go to the public dances, and hang with kids my age!? Did you even think of that?!”

“You shouldn’t want that! You should be happy for what you h—“

Julie stopped and looked at Lori who had a tear running from her sea blue colored eyes down her cheek, and was sitting up now.

“This is about Sora-san isn’t it?!?”

“No!”

“You love him don’t you!?!”

“No Julie no!”

“How could you love him?! Its agents the rules!”

“He loves me too!!”

Lori stopped. She had said enough. Her sister knew. Suddenly she got slapped across the face with Julie’s hard hand.

“You are never to leave these palace walls or see that boy again! Do you hear me?!”

Lori didn’t look at her. She was concentrating on the pain she felt.

“Look at me!” Julie yelled

“I will see him,” Lori whispered “And you can’t stop me.”

Julie walked out the door slamming it. Suddenly Lori heard her door being locked.

“No!!!!!!” she screamed while slamming on the door with her fists. “No! You cant do this no!

Then she gave up. She turned her back to the door and slid down to the floor, hugged her knees, put her head on her arms, and cried the rest of the night.


*******************************************************************************
ok yeah i know it needs work...but any comments?

Comments

Comments (12)

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Trinkuh on February 26, 2006, 12:47:28 AM

Trinkuh on
Trinkuhby the power of the D.D.A i here by tell you you are a marry sue will make you do 100 years of making good fan fics and japan dont has a princess you fool!

Chronos on November 29, 2005, 9:01:35 AM

Chronos on
ChronosRead TheAlmightJ's comment and take some of the advice. I know that sounds harsh, but it's really the best thing if you're an aspiring writer. And, since you've made yourself open to criticism.

For one thing, your CHARACTERS. Those are the blandest ones I've seen since Eragon (a painful read), and you must realize that characters are not simply inanimate tools. Characters are ALIVE. They have their little ways and whims, and if you're not careful, you'll find yourself writing a completely different story than the one you started on. This here is an example of underdeveloped characters as well as character abuse. You're MAKING them do what you want them to, which is common in beginners, but you have to give them their own personalities and idiosyncrasies and likes and wants and needs. Otherwise, they're all going to turn out the same.

I realize that this is an old fic and I'm probably belaboring the point, but I'm tired of people not getting this simple concept, and then they come crying to the reviewers and anybody else who'll listen when they're criticized for blandness. This is only one point made where plenty could be, but I think the thing you need is to keep writing, gain experience, and, above all else, LISTEN TO YOUR CHARACTERS.

P.S. I. Hate. Mary-Sues. It is not possible to write a good Sue fic. It's just not. Use Kairi, or write your OWN STORY, for God's sake.

sorasloveforever on November 6, 2005, 5:47:12 AM

sorasloveforever on
sorasloveforevergive her a break thealmightyj i made up my own story called soras story its not very good

TheAlmightyJ on July 31, 2005, 8:02:50 AM

TheAlmightyJ on
TheAlmightyJWHOA! Paragraphs: Use them! I simply can't read a story when It's a big pulsating mass of text! *screws up eyes to read story*

Alright. First, where does this story take place?! Lori and Julie are Western names, while Sora is a Japanese name. Why does Lori use -san? If she's supposed to be childhood friends with him, it should be -kun, or possibly -chan.

Lori has KNEE-LENGTH HAIR?! What!? My hair's only mid-back and it takes me forever to take care of it; I shudder to think how long she must spend brushing that out. How about something more realistic?

Wait. Oh God, you mean you're trying to pass off Lori as a PRINCESS of JAPAN? Seriously, bad idea. Lori's not a Japanese name at all!

Why is Julie allowed a boyfriend? She's a Princess too. And she lectures Lori on 'princess-lyness', which would come across as more sincere if given by a parent. Speaking of Julie, how can she tell that Lori's got a boyfriend-and that it's Sora-JUST BECAUSE LORI'S CRYING?

Returning to Lori... No way this girl's 18. She's 13-14, based off her behavior. She's 18 and has never been on a date? Even the most anti-social, mean and unattractive girl's I've ever met have had a date before 16! Besides, at 18 she's an adult. She'd probably have outgrown her 'Gothic Rebellion'.

Analysis: A classic boring love story with nothing new to bring to the table. Bland characters rush the action leaving the reader's confused. You need a LOT of improvement.

(PS, black can be quite elegant and suitable for a princess)

Areya on June 25, 2005, 7:18:59 AM

Areya on
AreyaWow, Im REALLY sorry but umm oh no offence but yeah um... yaaawwwnnn.. been there heard that WAY TOO many times constructicve critizism: WAY TOO TYPICAL and its not fluent enough it just doesn't flow right... Anyway I hope that you take this and learn from it and not take it as an insult like me, I hope that you are open to tips. But do with my comment as you wish.

Minoru on April 21, 2005, 7:50:35 AM

Minoru on
MinoruWow ths is great! ^^;

Night_Wolf on April 1, 2005, 8:41:50 AM

Night_Wolf on
Night_Wolfgreat story....has anyone seen the ring 2? i have it is really good...sorry off topic. like the story a lot

Lucky-Dragon24 on July 1, 2004, 12:58:22 AM

Lucky-Dragon24 on
Lucky-Dragon24Its good^__^

Teddi_MaulerX on May 19, 2004, 7:57:29 AM

Teddi_MaulerX on
Teddi_MaulerXsounds like a romeo/juliet thing. Have them see eachother secretly and have them kill themselves at the end (like in the story of Romeo/Juliet)

SorasAngel on March 9, 2004, 11:36:25 AM

SorasAngel on
SorasAngelthats a good idea sweetblood thanks! =^^= ill make that my title once i figure out how to change it >.<

o yeah, moonstar_neko, i like your comment lol i laughed so hard ^^ the ring is one oof my fav movies, and the chick is named Samara ^^