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(need ideas)

Lori and Sora are 18 years old and have just started dating...but what happens when Lori isnt allowed to see Sora?



Chapter 1 - Chapter 1
Submitted: February 11, 2004 • Updated: February 11, 2004
Word count: 1035 • Size: 5k • Comments: 12 • views: 463

Chapter 2 - Chapter 2
Submitted: February 11, 2004 • Updated: February 11, 2004
Word count: 867 • Size: 4k • Comments: 7 • views: 232

Chapter 3 - CHapter 3 ( finished! ^_^ )
Submitted: March 19, 2004 • Updated: March 19, 2004
Word count: 606 • Size: 3k • Comments: 4 • views: 210

Chapter 4 - Chapter 4 (what i have so far)
Submitted: April 17, 2004 • Updated: April 17, 2004
Word count: 303 • Size: 1k • Comments: 3 • views: 249

Chapter 5 - Not a chapter, but read it anyway....ITS IMPORTANT
Submitted: September 7, 2004 • Updated: September 7, 2004
Word count: 74 • Size: <1k • Comments: 5 • views: 182


Comments (31)

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Trinkuh on February 26, 2006, 12:47:28 AM

Trinkuh on (Chapter: 1)
Trinkuhby the power of the D.D.A i here by tell you you are a marry sue will make you do 100 years of making good fan fics and japan dont has a princess you fool!

Chronos on November 29, 2005, 9:01:35 AM

Chronos on (Chapter: 1)
ChronosRead TheAlmightJ's comment and take some of the advice. I know that sounds harsh, but it's really the best thing if you're an aspiring writer. And, since you've made yourself open to criticism.

For one thing, your CHARACTERS. Those are the blandest ones I've seen since Eragon (a painful read), and you must realize that characters are not simply inanimate tools. Characters are ALIVE. They have their little ways and whims, and if you're not careful, you'll find yourself writing a completely different story than the one you started on. This here is an example of underdeveloped characters as well as character abuse. You're MAKING them do what you want them to, which is common in beginners, but you have to give them their own personalities and idiosyncrasies and likes and wants and needs. Otherwise, they're all going to turn out the same.

I realize that this is an old fic and I'm probably belaboring the point, but I'm tired of people not getting this simple concept, and then they come crying to the reviewers and anybody else who'll listen when they're criticized for blandness. This is only one point made where plenty could be, but I think the thing you need is to keep writing, gain experience, and, above all else, LISTEN TO YOUR CHARACTERS.

P.S. I. Hate. Mary-Sues. It is not possible to write a good Sue fic. It's just not. Use Kairi, or write your OWN STORY, for God's sake.

heavensent92 on November 28, 2005, 4:46:39 AM

heavensent92 on (Chapter: 5)
heavensent92Pleaseee write more!!!!! i love it its so cute ^-^ the only problem is i rly want to know what happens and im goin nuts so you have to finishhhhhhhhhhh

sorasloveforever on November 6, 2005, 5:47:12 AM

sorasloveforever on (Chapter: 1)
sorasloveforevergive her a break thealmightyj i made up my own story called soras story its not very good

heavensent92 on October 28, 2005, 8:15:54 AM

heavensent92 on (Chapter: 5)
heavensent92PLeaseeee write more! lovee this story ^-^

SexyShadow on September 14, 2005, 3:22:49 PM

SexyShadow on (Chapter: 5)
SexyShadowContine contine contine!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

TheAlmightyJ on July 31, 2005, 8:02:50 AM

TheAlmightyJ on (Chapter: 1)
TheAlmightyJWHOA! Paragraphs: Use them! I simply can't read a story when It's a big pulsating mass of text! *screws up eyes to read story*

Alright. First, where does this story take place?! Lori and Julie are Western names, while Sora is a Japanese name. Why does Lori use -san? If she's supposed to be childhood friends with him, it should be -kun, or possibly -chan.

Lori has KNEE-LENGTH HAIR?! What!? My hair's only mid-back and it takes me forever to take care of it; I shudder to think how long she must spend brushing that out. How about something more realistic?

Wait. Oh God, you mean you're trying to pass off Lori as a PRINCESS of JAPAN? Seriously, bad idea. Lori's not a Japanese name at all!

Why is Julie allowed a boyfriend? She's a Princess too. And she lectures Lori on 'princess-lyness', which would come across as more sincere if given by a parent. Speaking of Julie, how can she tell that Lori's got a boyfriend-and that it's Sora-JUST BECAUSE LORI'S CRYING?

Returning to Lori... No way this girl's 18. She's 13-14, based off her behavior. She's 18 and has never been on a date? Even the most anti-social, mean and unattractive girl's I've ever met have had a date before 16! Besides, at 18 she's an adult. She'd probably have outgrown her 'Gothic Rebellion'.

Analysis: A classic boring love story with nothing new to bring to the table. Bland characters rush the action leaving the reader's confused. You need a LOT of improvement.

(PS, black can be quite elegant and suitable for a princess)

Areya on June 25, 2005, 7:18:59 AM

Areya on (Chapter: 1)
AreyaWow, Im REALLY sorry but umm oh no offence but yeah um... yaaawwwnnn.. been there heard that WAY TOO many times constructicve critizism: WAY TOO TYPICAL and its not fluent enough it just doesn't flow right... Anyway I hope that you take this and learn from it and not take it as an insult like me, I hope that you are open to tips. But do with my comment as you wish.

Minoru on April 21, 2005, 7:50:35 AM

Minoru on (Chapter: 1)
MinoruWow ths is great! ^^;

Night_Wolf on April 1, 2005, 8:44:49 AM

Night_Wolf on (Chapter: 2)
Night_Wolfawwww! its so sweet...