Chapter 38 - Lost Confidence

Ekyt stood, hidden among the trees, on the roof of his house. The garden was handy for calming down, or just training in general. But today, his mind wasn’t working right. All he could think of was that he had lost to Naruto. And how guilty he felt about snapping at him. Granted, it HADN’T been Naruto, or Lee’s, business, but Ekyt understood that they had his best interests in mind. As a leaf fell from a maple tree in front of him, Ekyt wondered why these images were disturbing him.

I wasn’t like that when Linda and I…well, we were never together, so I can’t say split. Maybe it’s because I haven’t accomplished anything else I’ve wanted. No rank, and I’m not a hero by any means. And I hate myself for doing this very thing: sitting here, despising myself. We’re all entitled to some self-pity, but I’ve made it an art form, and that’s not healthy…

Ekyt shifted again, standing up this time. He walked around the expansive garden, with lush green plants, and some flowers budding. He made his way over to his stone koi pond. One fish was black, the other was white. Almost forming a Yin and a Yang. Ekyt looked at the fish, feeling there was something to be learned. But he couldn’t place what. Ekyt looked up, currently in the middle of a pine area. The pond had fit nicely. Unfortunately, a pink cherry tree that the gardener put in gave Ekyt a reminder of a certain girl. He shifted his gaze back to the fish once more, hoping to see something, anything.

I’m looking for meanings…within fish. That’s too out there, even for me. Yin, Yang, black fish, white fish? Maybe I’ll go get a drink, or something. I thought I’d hit rock bottom before, without my emotional chakra (The Akatsuki extracted it, but Ekyt lived and retrieved it), but this…is worse. My emotions weren’t TAKEN, they were SHATTERED. And I’m to blame. Well, I can eat myself alive at the bar. I don’t drink often. But if even Tsunade suggested I have a cup or two once in a while to keep my nerves at bay, who am I to argue?




It felt pathetic, sitting in the corner of a dark bar, with confidence that had been shot to pieces. Have I become so afraid of failure that I can’t even FACE this problem? I lost a fight to a talented Ninja, there shouldn’t be a problem. But what’s going on with these picture popping up in my head? It’s got to stop.

“More here, please,” Ekyt muttered dully. He nodded his thanks when his cup was refilled. That’s when, of course, an “Oh crap” moment happened. Just as Ekyt was rationalizing these weird feelings, Sasuke and Sakura walked in on a date. Ekyt immediately prayed that they didn’t see him. Or, if they did, they wouldn’t recognize him. He HAD changed his look.

Now that Ekyt wasn’t wearing the hitai-ate of the Leaf Village anymore, he took up more of a citizen’s look, rather than a combat look He wore a gekko gi top, dark gray in color, with his black gi pants. Over that was a loose black jacket. On the back of the jacket, in red letters, were the kanji for “Kaguya” and “Dragon”. I’m sitting in a bar, hiding from a past…that never existed. That’s pathetic. Then again, so am I.

With that, Ekyt tossed enough Ryo on the bar to pay for his drinks, then waited for Sakura and Sasuke to sit down somewhere. Once they did, he walked toward the exit, and didn’t stop. He lifted the flap covering the doorway and walked out into the brisk night air. The sun was setting, giving the town an orange glow. It was a beautiful scene. But Ekyt, being Ekyt, couldn’t see the forest for the trees. All he knew was that somewhere along the line, he had really messed up his life. He had NEVER let the wanting of someone to love him interfere with his fighting before. His fighting WAS his life. He had to turn himself around, somehow. As he was pondering that, two people wandered out of the bar. Ekyt sensed them, but not a threat, so he didn’t turn around. Instead, hands in his jacket pockets, he started to walk the other way.

“Hey, hold on! Ekyt!”

Ekyt knew the voice. Lady Tsunade. And- Master Jiraiya?

“Yes, Lady Tsunade?” Ekyt asked politely, also bowing to Master Jiraiya.

“You seem to have left your headband in my office. When are you going to come get it?” Tsunade asked, giving Ekyt a smile.

“When I deserve to wear it,” Ekyt replied flatly.

“I’m liking the new look, though, kid!” Tsunade joked. (It hit Ekyt then that his black jacket with the kanji on it was similar to Tsunade’s robe)
“Come on, Ekyt. You lost ONE fight, and to a really talented Shinobi. It’s not the end of the world. Or is it that whole Sakura thing?” Tsunade said/stated.

“Both. That, and I’m not even free to leave now. I’ve progressed as far as I can. If this is where I’ve peaked as a warrior, I’m ashamed,” Ekyt admitted. “I should be stronger…I NEED to be stronger. I’ve been left behind. I’m not going to be legendary. The most I can ever hope for is that my name will be carved on the obelisk honoring the fallen Shinobi.”

A wind ran through the Village. Bells clanged, and some decorations swayed with the wind, trees adding a whooshing sound.

“Being legendary isn’t everything it’s cracked up to be. Look at Orochimaru. You could have been evil. Look at me, you could have been a perv. Look at Tsunade, you could have been a reckless gambler, who’s afraid of aging. The point I’m making is that a title doesn’t mean anything. It’s the person HOLDING the title. Look at Iruka. He’s a Tokubetsu jonin. Not the highest rank, and no one knows him outside our village. But his classes have produced countless quality Shinobi. We all contribute in our own way,” Jiraiya rattled off, thinking unusually deeply. Tsunade, also out of character, displayed a strange bit of motherhood.

“It’s not like you don’t people who care. You’re not as alone as you think. Even if you’re not ‘together’, Sakura still cares about you. Lee and Naruto cared enough to FIGHT you to stop you from making a mistake, and”

Ekyt spoke up quickly, fiercely. “How do they know it was a mistake? I could have learned from Orochimaru! It’s not like I have someone to teach me here! Master Sarutobi is back on the council and too busy, I’ve got Ebisu beaten in the talent department, and it’s not like there are enough sensei’s to go around!” Ekyt was really rolling now. “Two of my best friends stopped me from making what THEY thought was a mistake. But what if it was right by me? Don’t I get a say in what’s right for me?! Now that I’ve lost, I don’t. I’m just trapped, stuck in an endless torrent of a swirling personal hell that only leaving and recharging my batteries could have cured.”

“You’re missing the point. You’re ALREADY talented. Maybe I can only give you D-ranks, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t be important here!”

“Yeah, listen to her, you moron!” The newly-arrived Linda taunted. She was wearing a tell-tale smirk that she had one-upped Ekyt somehow.

Ekyt cursed. “Now what, Linda? Going to rub it in my face that you’re a chunin? Or are you satisfied, now that my life has been destroyed by your boyfriend? You got what you wanted: I’m alive, and I’m not in any danger. You win.”

Linda hadn’t expected that. She tossed her red hair aside. “I…didn’t expect that. I really didn’t know that Naruto would pull that off…I’m thrilled, of course…actually, what I came to rub in your face was the fact that I’m Lady Tsunade’s new apprentice.”

Tsunade growled something like ‘stupid dog, I SAID not to say anything to him!’ under her breath.

Ekyt put up a hand. “Excuse me, just one second,” he said. He walked back into the bar. When he walked back out, he was clutching a bottle of sake.

“Go ahead, continue,” Ekyt added, taking a swig from the bottle.

Linda, wearing a chunin vest with a longsleeve white shirt underneath, and the dark blue pants that most chunin wore, looked at Ekyt questioningly.
“You don’t care? That isn’t like you…” Linda was disturbed by this change in Ekyt’s personality.

“You remember Chakaro, right? And Kayla?” Ekyt asked around another swig.

“Of course! They were my students…our students, and they betrayed the village!”

Ekyt nodded. “You got it. Funny thing- Chakaro’s a natural at everything, and I’m not. He studies just as hard as I do. And now, he’s won. He can continue learning, where I can’t. He has people training him, powerful people. I always thought it was fate that he and I would meet in battle, one last time. Knowing Chakaro, I’d probably be on the losing end. But training gave me hope. Hope gave me courage. Courage gave me love. Love for Konoha, and it’s people. Even ones I hate, such as you, I would have protected with everything I had. The only way I could ever hope to beat Chakaro was to stay ahead of him, training with all the blood and sweat my body could put forth. And now…it’s all come back to me…the why. WHY things got better when I came to this village. I had a purpose. I had friends. I had talent, and hope, and everything else. But where has it led me? To having two of my best friends betray me, to having a girl who I was close with hate my guts (Meaning Linda), to not having anyone to learn from. All it’s led to is this bottle of saki, and back down the path of the loner! You never took that path, you don’t know the pain. You couldn’t HOPE to. And you couldn’t HANDLE it. So, congrats on learning from a legend. Congrats on being a chunin. And congrats for being one of THE most colossal doges to walk the earth.”

No one saw that coming. Linda couldn’t even fire back an insult. Jiraiya looked at Tsunade and nodded. Putting his arm around Ekyt, they walked the opposite way down the street. Then Ekyt called something back.

“For the record, I’m not drunk, I really thought that insult out!”




Jiraiya led Ekyt to the training area near the memorial obelisk. He motioned for Ekyt to sit across from him. Ekyt did, feeling the cool grass and the slight wind that was blowing to be pleasant. There was silence for a while, before Jiraiya broke it.

“So that’s part of it, isn’t it? What you said back there…” Jiraiya intoned, arms crossed and eyes closed.

Ekyt nodded, eyes down. “Yes. I was never the best of anything. When I came here, I found my niche. I was compared to the best, and told I had a bright future. And now, all of it’s been destroyed. I know Naruto and Lee meant well, but now I can’t be a chunin, and I can’t learn anymore. And, even worse…I’ve lost my confidence.”

Jiraiya nodded sagely. “You know, it’s interesting. You keep getting knocked off the horse. But you don’t jump back on, you’re DRAGGED back on…(chuckle)well, I think it’s amusing. But, back to the point. Do you really believe Orochimaru, or the Akatsuki, could be of any help to you? They’re liars and thieves. Orochimaru is someone I know better than anyone. Someone like you he’d use in a heartbeat, and then forgot you existed once you were defeated. And the Akatsuki…come on, that’s not what you want, and you know it.”

Ekyt nodded again. “Point taken. But I don’t want this sake bottle, either. I want to fight. It’s who I am…it’s all I’ve got. Master Jiraiya, please keep this under your headband. I’ve been having trouble in combat lately…That’s why I lost to Naruto. Just before I attacked him, I saw that picture Sakura has, of her, Sasuke, Naruto, and Kakashi-sensei. I just…froze up…”

Jiraiya put a hand on his shoulder. “You know, I was in love with Tsunade for years. When Dan (her lover) died, so did Tsunade’s love. That hasn’t stopped me from trying, though. But, for a while, I was like you. I couldn’t think of anything else but the life I might have had. If things had been different. If Orochimaru hadn’t left, if Tsunade had loved me, if I had just stayed in the village, if I had become Hokage…”

Jiraiya stood up, stretching himself.

“…But they’re all ‘if’s’. Life does that to you. If it doesn’t kill you, it’ll make you stronger. You’ve been through a lot, and for one reason or another, this hit you really hard. If you knew why, maybe you could kill the problem. But, just keep in mind- even loners have feelings. No matter how hard you try, you’ll ALWAYS have them.”

Ekyt remained sitting, but voiced the second half of his problem. “Master Jiraiya, I’ve been second-guessing myself. I thought of that picture because I was…jealous, I guess. I’m genuinely happy for Sakura, she’s got what she always wanted. And, believe me, I’d sooner sacrifice my dreams to help the dreams of people dear to me come true than be all pissy to make my own come true. But what bothers me the most is that I never got the guys up to just TELL her how I felt. Maybe I felt conflicted, I mean, I like Temari and Tenten, too. But if I said that, I’d only be kidding myself. What it all boils down to is that I’ve found my Achilles heal: girls. All of a sudden, I’m a coward around them. Dying to protect them is nothing, but telling them I’m protecting them because I care- forget it, it just doesn’t happen. My mind says “Just say it”, but the rest of me doesn’t listen. And that’s the LEAST of my problems! I can’t freeze up in combat, it’s my life!”

Jiraiya smirked. “Well, we’ll just have to cure you then. And, about your love life- just let it happen. You worry too much.”

Ekyt, feeling a little more upbeat, replied with a joke. “Yeah. All that time wasted, I could be studying.”

Jiraiya chuckled a little bit. “You know, I’ve got to say. I’m only partly surprised that Naruto beat you. He had abilities even he isn’t aware of. But now that I’ve seen you in action a few times…you do, too. Somehow, you think strategically in any given situation.”

Suddenly, the ground began to twist and heave. Jiraiya and Ekyt nodded to each other, then leapt to the side, just as Manda, Orochimaru’s snake summon, burrowed up from the ground. Jiraiya didn’t see the snake’s tail flinging the rock at him. Ekyt, in vain, tried to knock it down, or at least slow it down. Instead, it rolled off his finger tips and cracked Jiraiya, knocking him out cold.

“Now I’m going to finish you, Jiraiya!” Orochimaru hissed. From his mouth, the Kusanagi protruded, gleaming dangerously. He was zeroing in on Jiraiya’s motionless body.

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