Chapter 24 - Anxiety

Heaven’s Temper
Ryouko.
Dragon boy.
Ekyt.

Whatever name you called him by, you could always count on Ryouko being depressed, it seemed. Even with such a beautiful winter day all around him, he couldn’t muster a smile. This very day, he had been asked why. It had been an innocent question, from an innocent child.

“Mister, why don’t you smile?”

Ryouko instantly told the boy:
“I can’t. I have no smile.”

The reason…why? It doesn’t matter. No one can understand this suffering. The endless torment. I wish to God I was being dramatic. But all they can see is what their eyes can see. They can’t feel as I do…
It’s a curse.

Ryouko’s hand crunched up in a ball, the leather of his gloves squeaking slightly. His gaze was straight ahead, and never wavered. His dark eyes had been devoid of emotion for a long time now. It was as if part of him was dead.

It’s been hell. Six years of life stolen from me. No one knows why, and no one can help. All I can do is cope? Is that really all there is? It’s a small cross to bear; I know. But why is the suffering so lonely?

At age twenty-one, Ryouko had better control over his ‘disease’. But that didn’t mean he could lead a normal life. No matter how bad he wanted to, ‘normal’ just wasn’t a possibility for him.

The snow began to fall, crissing and crossing silently as the flakes fluttered to the ground. It didn’t matter to Ryouko. There was no reason for him to come in out of the cold. The discomfort of ‘cold’ helped mask the emotional discomfort that had no description.

And yet, I feel it as strongly as anything else…even more strongly.

Head down, facing the snow-covered street, Ryouko kept walking. The movement was the only real sign he was alive. That thought amused Ryouko, for some reason. It wasn’t as if his life was horrible. His parents had done everything they could for him. But he just couldn’t make his life normal.

I live for them. I want my parents to be happy with me. Then I can be happy with myself. But I’ve given them nothing in exchange for their twenty-one years of love. And their love is perfect for me. But…the love of another…a girl. In my condition…it’s out of the question. But why? If I could just have some answer, I could make myself stronger than this! I could beat this inner demon into submission. But no one can see it to help me! I’m alone! I’m…always alone…
Always.

“Damnit!”

In a rage, Ryouko’s right fist swung out and hit a wall. Pieces flaked off around his fist as he held the pose for a moment. He couldn’t believe he’d lost his temper like that. It was childish, and it didn’t achieve anything other than nearly breaking his own hand.

Ryouko knew that. But his disease had set in. ANYTHING to stop this horrid pain! This inexplicable, emotional pain. There was nothing that he could do! Nothing! He was helpless! Powerless!

Defeated.

Ryouko’s fist swung out again, this time smashing a window. It was a window at the base of the Hokage building, and the sound caused a couple people to come running.

What happened here? How do I explain this?

Ryouko’s glove was torn, and there were shards of glass sticking out of his hand. All the same, he just looked at his hand, feeling his illness come again. Once more, the bastard that no one else could see or feel hit him. He screwed his eyes shut, crunching up into a standing fetal position. The snow had ceased to feel cold. Ryouko’s shins and forearms were numb, and not because of the cold.

It’s getting worse…I can’t feel them. My hands are shaking…my throat is knotting up…my hearts is going to beat out of my chest. There’s nothing I can do but hope it ends soon. Some warrior I am! Brought to my knees by some stupid disease!

It was anxiety, and nothing more. But the pain and suffering was real. VERY real. And it was lonely. How did you explain to your friends that you couldn’t come out to play because, well, you didn’t know why? How did you tell your girlfriend that you couldn’t go out on the date you promised because you were ill, but no one else could tell? This wasn’t living. This was nothing short of a personal hell.

All of those people who told me I just need to ‘get on with my life’…how could they ever understand. Those ignorant fools! Those bastards! Those damned, inconsiderate scumbags! I hate them! I hate myself! This torment will never end!

Then Ryouko felt it- a warmth in the cold night. A gaze on his back. It wasn’t a threat, Ryouko assessed by gut feelings. No, it was someone watching out for him. Patiently waiting, watching his back and silently offering assistance.

I…don’t want anyone to see me like this! I’m supposed to be so strong and brave! And yet…I’m losing this battle. This must be what death feels like. This helpless feeling. This feeling of hopelessness.

“Come on, Ryouko. Stay with me, okay? I’m right here. How can I help?”

Sakura’s soft voice cut through the harsh night, like the beacon of a lighthouse. Ryouko felt even worse, though not from anxiety. He was dressed for the cold, and must have looked normal from the outside. So being bent over and muttering to himself.

Looking pathetic in front of my crush…why does this have to ruin my life?

Ryouko straightened up to face Sakura, tears in his eyes. They froze quickly to his cheeks, which were reddened from the cold. He met Sakura’s eyes for the briefest instant. The shining green gems were wide with concern. Concern for him. And pity, no doubt.

I don’t want her pity! I want her love! But how can I ask anyone to tolerate this? I don’t even know what to say!

“There’s nothing anyone can do!” Ryouko finally snapped, immediately feeling bad. “It’s not something anyone can help with.”

Sakura stepped closer to Ryouko, putting her warm hand on his cold cheek. She undid the scarf around her neck and wrapped it around his. It was red and white striped, and not the most masculine thing, but it did the job.

“Maybe I can’t help…but I can at least give you a cup of tea and some company. No one should have to suffer alone.”

Sakura’s hand squeezed Ryouko’s, gently towing him toward her small apartment. It was such a gesture of kindness that Ryouko forgot his illness for a moment. He had always been fond of the pink-haired kunoichi. But for her to see through his harsh words, and into the ball of weakness he really was at the moment…

She’s a special girl.
--

Sakura opened her door, guided Ryouko in first, then slid it shut again. She gave a quick shake of her body and stamp of her boots to rid them of the snow. Ryouko hadn’t thought to be that considerate, but Sakura didn’t seem to mind.

“You were out there for a long time. Can you tell me why?” Sakura asked. Then she looked shocked at her forwardness. “I’m sorry! I don’t mean to pry! Don’t tell me unless you’re comfortable telling me!”

It would feel good to tell her…but how do I explain? Ryouko wondered, feeling anxious again. So he talked fast, pinching his arms and groin to distract himself from his anxiety.

“It’s a panic disorder, I guess. I can’t explain it, and it can’t be seen. It just…Every nasty symptom you can think of…I can’t feel my shins or forearms. I can barely breathe. I’m shaking. And there’s nothing that can be done about it.”

“There must be something you do to combat the problem. Think hard, okay?”

Sakura was a good medical ninja, and this was one reason why. Her genuine concern, and the time she took with her patients. And in this case, she wasn’t going to give up. She could always sedate Ryouko if he couldn’t settle down. But she didn’t want to do that.

“I take a hot bath and have a cup of tea. But I can’t do that here. (Sharp intake of breath!)” Ryouko grasped his pant leg, bit his lip, stepped on his own foot. It was all involuntary, but the pain had to go away. He was sure he would go insane if he didn’t settle down!

Sakura immediately put on some water for tea. She had a three-room apartment. Kitchen, bedroom, and bathroom.

“Go on. Take a bath here. I can help you. But you’ll have to trust me, okay?”

“I can’t ask you to do that!” Ryouko protested. “It’s wrong of me to impose this much, not to mention the burden I put on you by telling you this! No one can cure what I have. There’s no hope.”

Sakura unbuttoned Ryouko’s trench coat. While she knelt down to get the lower buttons, she kept talking. She had already noticed that, when distracted, his symptoms weren’t as bad.

“That’s not true, is it Ryouko? We’ve been on missions together. We’ve taught together. And both times, you’ve stayed tough and not let this bother you.”

Sakura successfully tugged the frozen, black garment off Ryouko. He had begun to chew on one glove to distract himself, so Sakura removed the other one. The black leather glove came off easily. Now to get his boots…

“You’re alone too much. When you think, back things happen. You need to keep yourself moving, and talking.”

Now his boots were off, leaving him dressed normally. But his head was still full of snow. Sakura couldn’t help but giggle as she fluffed his thick brown hair and watched as the snowflakes fell out.

“Now, go on to the bathtub. And I promise I’ll get you an antidote to this anxiety. Okay?”

Ryouko’s anxiety was in control, and now it showed. He would never yell at Sakura, but he couldn’t help it now. Biting his hand so much he drew blood, he shouted around it:
“Didn’t you hear me? There IS no cure! There’s nothing anyone can do! It’s hopeless! This damned stupid thing has ruined me! It owns me, Sakura! It owns me and there’s nothing I can do! It’s just going to eat me alive until my sanity is gone!”

Sakura grabbed Ryouko by vest, slipped it off, grabbed his shirt, and slapped him. All in one graceful motion.

“You’re just going to quit and cry about it? Now you listen to me! I’m the medic, and I say you can be fixed. Get in the bathtub and RELAX!”

Sakura used her strength to stuff Ryouko into the tiny bathroom. She locked the door from the outside as she left.
--

Ryouko stripped the rest of his clothes away, grimacing at the unpleasantness of pulling off a wet shirt. His groin felt frozen, but that distracted him, so he didn’t complain.

His martial-artist’s build shone in the dimly lit bathroom. He bent over, aware and embarrassed over his nudity. He had just taken an order from Sakura, and had obeyed without meaning to.

The old brass faucet squeaked as Ryouko turned on the water. The hot water rushed into the tub, filling it quickly. Steam rose from the liquid, creating a ripple in the air of the darkened room.

Ryouko sank down into the tub, letting the water splash over him. He felt a little more at ease, though his nerves made him jump up a couple times, splashing water all over the tiled floor. But then he sank back down, feeling his butt hit the bottom of the tub. He sank in to the water, all the way up to his chin.
-

Without knocking, Sakura opened the door and walked in, two cups of tea in her hands.

“This’ll help you,” she told him happily, holding out a mug. She avoided looking directly at his groin, despite a healthy curiosity. “And even better- there IS help, Ryouko. We need to keep you busy, for starters. But beyond that…well, there is medication. I put some in your tea for now. It’s going to hit you pretty hard, the first time you take it, so you won’t be going home. But it’ll help you, I promise.”

With that, Sakura sat down on the edge of the tub and began to sip her tea. She giggled a little bit at something in her mind. She decided to tell Ryouko what it was.

“You know, it’s funny. We all get anxiety. And we all have our crosses to bear. Did you ever wonder why you got a certain cross? And then you realized that you’re one of the lucky ones?”

Ryouko nodded quietly, taking another sip of his tea. The green concoction warmed him from his very core. But he felt something else. It was too small and vague a feeling to describe. But it was warm. If there was one word for it…perhaps ‘hope’?

“I have thought that way. But I always forgive myself for being selfish. I guess it’s because I know my disease isn’t fatal, or even really dangerous. But all the same, no one else can see it. Even people who have the same anxiety have it for different reasons. So maybe it’s selfish, but I almost feel like…well, like it’s okay for me to feel sorry for myself.”

By know, whatever Sakura had laced the tea with was really taking effect. Ryouko was so relaxed he was sliding into the water. Sakura heard the splash and deftly pulled Ryouko’s upper body back above water.

“Time for you to get out. Then right to bed. Don’t worry about pajamas.”
--

Sakura’s bed was a twin bed. Small with a soft red comforter. She helped a towel-clad Ryouko to one side of it.

“Okay, time to lose the towel. I need to tuck you in.”

But Ryouko, being so mellow, had to say something. Right here and now, while he was able to.

“I can’t thank you enough for what you’ve done for me. And I need to tell you that I fell in love with you three years ago. And right now, I’m even more in love with you. Because you took the time to care. It’s lame to say, but it means a lot more than you know.”

Sakura was clearly taken aback by that. Her face flushed, and she fidgeted. But amongst that, there was a clear smile growing on her face.

“…You reminded me of Sasuke. So much pain, but you wouldn’t tell anyone about it. You suffered alone. It hurts me when you try to keep your pain to yourself. Share it with me, Ryouko. That way, it won’t hurt so much. I can understand what you’re going through as well as anyone. So, how about letting me into that ‘inner circle’ of yours?”

Ryouko didn’t say anything right away. He just kept thinking about what had happened tonight. So when he finally answered, his words probably sounded rehearsed. That was fine, as long as they sounded genuine, too.

“Sakura…do you want to get a cup of tea sometime, or something?”

Sakura smiled and nodded.
“Yes. I’d like that. I’m glad you figured out that, if I came and talked to you, that I liked you.”

Now it was Ryouko’s turn to be surprised. “That didn’t really cross my mind. I just thought I’d throw that out there.”

For now, it was time to rest. They could plan their first date later.

Ryouko didn’t have any pajamas, and all his clothes were frozen. So he dropped the towel from around his waist and hopped into bed as fast as he could. He felt bad taking Sakura’s bed, though. (Although it was so comfy he hated to give it back all the same)

“I’ll sleep on the floor,” he offered.

“No, there’s good,” Sakura replied. She climbed into bed next to him, pulling him into a hug. “I’m probably not as warm as the tub, but I hope it’s okay…”

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