Chapter 15 - Valentine's Day

It was that hellish day of year.

That day where single, hopeless cases such as myself sit back and reflect on what makes our life suck so much. And what makes it suck is the absence of female presence. I used to not care. Now look at me. The years have made me soft.
…
Damn.

Yes, Ekyt/Ryouko was sure about one thing- he was hopeless. Let’s look at his statistics, shall we?

Name: Ryouko/Ekyt (aliases- not a trusting fellow)
Age: 20 years, six monthes
Years spent w/o a girl: 20 years, five monthes (Oh…sucks to be him)

“Valentines day…my 20th valentines day, and still not one, single, solitary female. Girl…yeah, gotta stop saying ‘female’. Sounds like a scientific analysis that way.”

Ekyt yanked the cigarette from his lips. He thought about having a real smoke, instead of chakra crap, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it.

“I’ll kill you!” a voice dripping with murderous intent.

“Hi Gaara.” Ekyt sounded bored, and he probably was. Been there, done that. Besides, Gaara was somehow less scary with a girl beside him. Granted, Ekyt didn’t really know her, but how could a gentle-looking girls like that fall for a bloodthirsty monster? Or was it the vice-versa that was more perplexing. Who knew?

“Uh, Ekyt, right?” Gaara’s girl companion pointed, asking Gaara. (To know who the girl is, go see YOURIMAGINARYFRIEND’s stellar fic ‘Blood Ties’
-NG)

“You can refer to him in the past tense,” Gaara said in reply to her question. “He won’t live much longer.”

Ekyt checked his wrist. “Huh. My ‘give a damn meter’ must be broken. That…or I just don’t give a damn. It’s hitting a big zero, Gaara old fruit. Now then, I need to remind you, I’m sure. It’s valentines day. In other words, chocolate for the little lady. Or flowers. Or perhaps… ‘tis the night for romance?”

The girl blushed girlishly, while Gaara fumed Shukaku-ishly. Ekyt smirked and went on his way.

He had changed his look, just for today. He had dug out his trench coat. From the back, he was told, he looked like Shinimori Aoshi. Was that a compliment? Whatever- the black coat suited his depression. For now, he was putting on a brave front- truthfully, he couldn’t wait for this day to be over.

“Hey, Ryouko!”

Ekyt/Ryouko nearly swallowed his cigarette.

“Azami?!”

It was her indeed. The tall, Egyptian/Japanese beauty that he had fallen so hard for. They had been together for a month. Then she had turned on him and ran off with Hidan of the Akatsuki.

“Whaddaya think? I needed a guy’s opinion…”

Azami was referring to her clothes. DUH- Ekyt had noticed. It looked like…

“A uniform from Negima? Cosplaying as Tatsumiya, maybe?” Ekyt murmured. She looked enough like the character to pull it off.

“Yeah! Hidan loves that book! And- Hey, WHAT?!”

Ekyt had to shove his fist in his mouth as he turned around. Hidan loves Negima?! Oh YES! Next time we’re in combat, I’m SO gonna razz him for that!

“Sorry, sorry. But seriously…you look great. With your looks, you could pull anything off, though, so I doubt I’m being helpful…”
She pulls off the school uniform nicely… How did I let this one get away? …
…
Oh yeah, she stabbed me. That’s right. How could I forget?

Azami gave Ekyt a pat on the head. “Valentine’s day, huh? Well, I’m sure you replaced me, so…”

Ekyt rolled his eyes. “Nothing worse than an ex giving you too much credit. Nah, I’m single. What can I say- any female who strikes my fancy seems to either want me to be paralyzed (Linda), stabs me in the heart literally (Azami), or stabs me in the heart figuratively (Sakura).”

Azami paused for a half-second. “Well, there’s this girl I know…nah, you two wouldn’t work. Her being a criminal and all… Well, I’ve gotta run! Hidan’ll kill you if he thinks I was flirting with you.”

“Tell him to bring it on. I’d welcome a fight today…”

-

Ekyt’s next trip was to drop off chocolate to Lady Tsunade. It was just Giri-choco*, and it was practically a ‘have-to’ thing between friends.

(* Giri-choco is given to friends and associates. Honmei-choco is given to lovers)

“Here you go, m’lady. I…oh God…” Ekyt squeezed his eyes shut.

Tsunade smirked, happy Ekyt had walked in at such a perfect moment.

“What’s the matter? Never seen a devil, a jailbird, and a maid all in one place?”

Sakura was wearing a maid outfit- the kind that shows up on maids who can really make the look work. Short skirt and whatnot. Tsunade pulled of a nice devil, complete with pitchfork. Though the costume seemed to be a bit small. Last was Shizune, who was rocking the jail-house stripes. Ekyt massaged his temples.

“Okay, I get Shizune, and I get Sakura- they’re dressed up for Genma and Naruto- but you, M’lady?”

Tsunade stood up- tipsily- and swayed over to Ekyt.

“Maybe it’s for you? You ever think of that? Maybe I wanna tap that…hehe!”

Ekyt took a step back as Tsunade toppled over. “How drunk is she?! It’s only noon now!”

“Well, you know Lady Tsunade and holidays…”

“And work days, and days off, and vacations…” Ekyt muttered in response to Shizune. “Well, okay then, I’m off. Glad I didn’t get her the sake-filled giri-choco I had my eyes on…”

At that moment, Yukao, Hayate’s wife and an ANBU agent who Ekyt thought was gorgeous, walked in. She was wearing a nurse’s outfit.

You MUST be kidding me. Where the hell are all the ugly girls?! And what’s with these costumes?!
-

“What…is…with…all…these…costumes?!”

Ekyt sat cross-legged by the river, trying to sort things out.

“This is ridiculous! And…”

“Ekyt, hey! What’s with the long face?”

Kurenai jogged up. Ekyt never thought much of talking with her. She was a nice lady. Ekyt got along good with her and Asuma. But today, of all days, he would regret turning around to face her.

Gah! I’m eye-level with her breasts at this height! Oh, this is bad! And…another costume?! You MUST be kidding me!

It was true. Kurenai seemed to dressed as an R-rated bumble bee.

“Uh, please excuse me!” Ekyt bowed hurriedly and took off.

Kurenai wondered what as wrong with Ekyt. She always worried about him. He was always by himself, and did nothing but study, it seemed. She had thought of trying to get him to date Hinata, but there was no way- those two wouldn’t even progress to hand-holding until ten years after marriage.

“Ah…” Kurenai figured it out. “The one day of the year where being single must really eat at him. Poor kid.”

-

Ekyt’s day wasn’t over- there were too many girls in this village. He couldn’t avoid them all. Not less those who were really proud of their looks and showed if in somewhat less than modest ways. Ekyt had finally say down on top of the Fourth Hokage’s head when he was kicked.

“Move, lump!” Ino’s shrill voice told him. “This is where Sasuke and I are gonna…Y’know…”

Ekyt spun around, ready to tell her off. But Ino’s bikini greeted his eyes before he could even start.

“Don’t stare, pervert!” Ino shrieked.

“Then don’t parade around like that, you nudist!”

“ ‘Scuse me, do you NOT see the bikini?!”

“Okay then, if you don’t want attention, don’t parade around seven-eights naked!”

This went on for a while, before Ekyt gave up- Ino was too stubborn. He really didn’t have the energy to argue today. So he left, more than willing to give Ino and Sasuke all the time in the world to do whatever it was they were gonna do.

As if I didn’t know… I’m shy, not stupid!

-

By the time Ekyt reached Ichiraku ramen, he was mentally spent. He had never seen so much female flesh in his life! It would have been pleasant, had each girl not been taken.

“Here y’go! Say…Listen, Ekyt, could you help me with a problem I’m having?”

It was Ayame, the ramen maker’s daughter. Ekyt had been face-down on the counter. He looked up, too numb to even avert his eyes.

“Western cheerleader costume? Looks good on you,” he finally managed to say. “So, how can I be of service?”

“Well…” Ayame blushed, then pointed. “I’ve…kind of got a crush on someone. Could you help me talk to them?”

“Sure.” I never say no to a good deed… Wow, she IS good looking! Too bad she’s too young…too old? Whatever, she’s not my age, and not interested in me…

Ekyt shrugged off his trench coat. “Put that on and follow me.”

-

It turned out that Ayame liked either Izumo Or Kotetsu. Ekyt couldn’t tell. It didn’t matter- where you found one, you would find the other.

“Okay, good. Now, walk over there. When you get in front of the guy you like, stop in front of him, and lose the coat. I’ll come pick it up later, so don’t worry about giving it back now.”

Ekyt watched from Ichiraku as Ayame did as he said. It seemed she scored more than one guy’s attention. Upon seeing that, Ekyt picked up a bottle of sake and flavored his ramen with it. The concoction didn’t taste great, but it was better than eating delicious ramen and souring it’s taste with hatred for everyone and everything.

-

“Ah! That damned festival is tonight!” Ekyt suddenly remembered- the Valentine’s day festival.

“That cursed festival where single people pray for bad things to happen to their ‘taken’ friends, ex-girlfriends, and even themselves. Not that I know, of course- I wish nothing but the best for all in that category.”

Ekyt sighed loudly. “My story never has a happy ending, does it?”

“Awww, single on Valentine’s Day? You must want a girl in the worst way…”

A patronizing voice made Ekyt spin around, a knife in his hand. “What do you want, Orochimaru?!”

Orochimaru laughed amiably. “I can give you what you desire…It’s easy as One…Two…”

Orochimaru tugged at his face. The female Grass Ninja whose body he had taken years ago replace his own.

“…Three. What do you think?”

Ekyt proceeded to leave Orochimaru in a bloody heap.

“You freak! I’m single, and yes, desperate, but not THAT desperate!”

-

Naruto came running by, seeing Ekyt pummeling the crap out of the remains of Orochimaru.

“Man, I feel sorry for him! Valentine’s Day certainly eats at ya, doesn’t it?!” Naruto said, poking Orochimaru and somehow managed to avoid being helpful at all.

“Kinda…I just wish I could have a girl. One that won’t stab me…”

Naruto put an arm on Ekyt’s shoulder. “Well, you could get Sai to latch onto you for a while… (Ekyt’s fist came up) I’M KIDDING, DON’T KILL ME! Seriously, if it’s a date ya need, all you had to do was ask me! I can help ya, no sweat!”

“How can YOU possibly help me? If you’re thinking of something weird with Sakura, I’m not gonna play any part in it…”

“Nope! This is easy! NINJA HAREM JUTSU!”

Ekyt was caught flat-footed. He couldn’t shut his eyes in time, and soon sailed through the air with a nosebleed. Unfortunately, he sailed over the edge of a cliff. As he fell, he thought in wonder:

Just when I thought being single was the worst thing that could happen on Valentine’s Day…



THIS FIC IS DEDICATED TO ALL THE SINGLE PEOPLE ON VALENTINE’S DAY.

BONUS: UNUSED MATERIAL BELOW!

Ekyt woke up in the hospital. He wasn’t seriously hurt, aside from blood loss.

Thus ends another Valentine’s Day. Well, at least I’m in the hospital. No one should bother me here, and I can’t see the stupid party. I should just sleep until tomorrow…

Before he could, a girl walked in. She wore a sword at her waist, and had a serious expression on her face.

“You are…Ryouko, correct?”

Ekyt just nodded.

“I’ve come to collect the bounty on your head! The Mist Village will pay top dollar for your head!”

“Huh…They sent an assassin? An incredibly cute samurai girl?” What am I saying? She must be taken…
“Listen, come kill me tomorrow,” Ekyt said, though he made no move to get away. “Today is a day you should spend with your husband, or boyfriend, or whoever’s special. I mean, y’know, ‘special’ to you. I’ll be here tomorrow, come kill me then. I won’t run. Though I WILL fight.”

The girl was small- maybe five foot seven or so. She had black hair that was pulled into a ponytail in the back. She was dressed traditionally, with a hakama, though it was torn up the sides to make a ‘woman’s cut’. She also wore a kekkou gi top. She had it open, so that you could see the wrappings over her breasts. Her mannerisms screamed ‘tomboy’, while her appearance was a mix of ‘warrior’ and ‘cute girl’.

“If I had someone special, I would not be out hunting… It was horrible luck. My boyfriend was cut down during a war. I watched him die, and I swore I wouldn’t let that happen again. I have not loved since. …” the girl stared at Ekyt.

“What’s the matter?” Ekyt managed to ask.

“I…I did not think my target would be a cute boy. I pictured you to be a horrible, full-grown man. An assassin who would have killed me the instant I had drawn my sword. But instead I find a boy in his mid-teens?”

“I’m twenty, actually…I just look younger. I suppose, in ten years, that’ll be a good thing.”

The girl bowed an apology “I am in my eighteenth year, though I am often mistaken for someone much younger.”

Ekyt nodded. “I can see it. You’re still cute, though. Pardon me for saying so.”

“I- I do not mind so much…”

The girl blushed, looking at Ekyt out of the corner of her eye.
He is very nice! I cannot believe that he is wanted for destruction of a sacred ceremony by my village! And he is young looking as well! Perhaps I could…

“I am sure a man such as you is spoken for…”

Ekyt noticed the girl spoke hopefully, as though she was…

Interested? In me?! No way!

Ekyt laughed. “Nope. I’m single as single gets. And, you know, I think I’m ready to get out of the hospital. I shouldn’t be alone right away though. If you might accompany me for a drink or something…On me, of course…”

The girl playfully drew her sword and pointed it at him. “I would not have it any other way. I would have physically insisted.”

Now THERE is something I’d like to see… Ekyt thought. But, for now…I’ll just be happy with having a cute girl walk around with me. Happy Valentine’s Day to me!

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