Chapter 92 - Arc XIII: The Real World- Chapter 1

Genjutsu

Why should man create fantasy to escape reality? To attain that which is not attainable; to pattern his life as he wishes, with whom he chooses. Life is but a series of event linking oneself to other people and other places and times. Fantasy allows us to bend time to our will. We can turn back the clock to a love we never had, a love we’ve lost, or a love that can never be. To see ourselves reach our zenith, to grow in strength, to see what we wish our future will hold. A wife, children, relationships…

And yet before me is an endless blackness. Any power I attain is dwarfed by those that I am bound to serve, and by whom I am slated to kill. Even in death, I am not allowed freedom from the chains that bind me.

With my will to fight my fate extinguished, I wait for life to be given to my body once again, so that I may do the bidding of those who set me on this damnable path.

To fail at life is expected.
To fail at death is surely the greatest of failures.

Yuji used his fingernails to scratch this into the black cross in front of him. To live to engrave your own tombstone’s epitaph…what a twisted existence.

Even the genjutsu paradise which Yuji created for himself had turned hellish. Alone with only thoughts of death and failure as company when his pleasant interlude of dreaming ended. It was an existence that would finish any mortal.

But Yuji…Yuji felt sanity creep back into his body. Defeated and battered though he was, how could he have forgotten for a moment that there was work to be done? There was purpose to his existence. He would not be allowed to die before that purpose was seen through.

Neither by my hand nor by the writing on that prophecy. I may not die. And not by your hand either, Sasuke. My body is nearly mended. After that, it is only a matter of time before we are fated to meet. This time, it will be deadly for one or both of us. If it’s the last thing I do, I’ll see that you never hurt Ojousama or Naruto-dono again! [/i]
==

It would take another week for Yuji’s body to heal completely. It would take far longer for him to be fit mentally.

Everyone wanted to ask questions, but no one dared speak. Yuji’s sudden, surprising attempt at taking his own life had shaken everyone. Yuji was their rock. If you fought with him, you would not be hurt. And somehow, he’d do okay, too, even if he took twenty kunai in the back for you.

This time was different. This time, Yuji was mentally defeated. He didn’t have any mental strength left to fight the feelings of shame and depression. There was just no reason to fight it anymore. For that minute, he was in control of everything, and yet in control of nothing. There was no prophecy, no destiny- no future. No pressure- no reason to live. No reason to draw one more breath.

Sitting alone in a dark room was probably the last thing he should have been doing, but he didn’t honestly care. Little by little, he practiced letting his chakra flow. But he kept getting distracted by that battle with Sasuke.

No. Not a battle. A massacre. I was at his mercy. I know I’m stronger than that! So why was I so overmatched? And what about the next time we meet?

His thought process brought him back to what he had been thinking of before he was brought to the battle.

Shiroko had been a little distant the past few days. They had still planned to go together to the Land of Iron, but she seemed distracted. Yuji hadn’t yet asked her why, wanting to give her space in case it was a personal matter, and instead offered his presence whenever she seemed receptive.

The lack of sex doesn’t bother me. But no kissing…no close contact. That’s the big indicator something is wrong.

It made Yuji smile weakly. If that was the indicator something was wrong, what was his attempt at suicide?

Wait…we were distant before this, but she hasn’t been by to see me, save for making sure I’m still alive. I’m no expert, but we should be closer than that. Did she take my suicide attempt personally? I jumped because of my defeat at the hands of Sasuke and the humiliation I felt at my ‘sort of’ ex nursing me back to health. But did she think that maybe I was despairing over not being with Azami? Oh my God…

Yuji got up immediately, walking briskly out to the deck overlooking the water. There was Shiroko. Sakura and Azami were with her. All three jumped guiltily once Yuji made his presence known.

“A moment?” he requested of Shiroko. She nodded in silence, beckoning him down to the sandy white beach below.
-

“…I can’t do it, Yuji. We need to…to…”

Yuji understood. He knew it immediately. The second he saw Shiroko with Azami and Sakura things became clear. The one thing all of them had in common was that they were all love interests of Yuji’s.

“To break up,” Yuji finished for her. “I…had a feeling. May I ask why?”

Shiroko looked out at the water, hands clasped behind her back. “Yuji, anyone can see you’re a good man. You’re easy to like…charming…and very sweet.”

Yuji’s temper flared a bit. “Look, if we’re breaking up, you don’t need to tell me what’s so damned desirable about me!”

Shiroko met his eyes for a brief second, glancing over her shoulder.
“…I know. But you deserve to hear the whole truth. And the good is as much a part of the truth as the bad.”

She knelt down and picked up a stone resting on the sand. She turned it over in her hand as she spoke.
“I realize this is hardly fair. And don’t think I haven’t beaten myself up over it. But the fact is…we aren’t going to get closer. I don’t know if we ever had a fighting chance. Because as great a man as you are, your life is dictated by something other than your feelings.”

“You’re right. That isn’t fair,” Yuji shot back, getting progressively more angry. Her statement stung in a way he didn’t want to admit. It was too close to the truth. Too close to the painful, relentless truth. “I was in love with you! I didn’t just pick you for sex or something asinine like that!”

Shiroko again silenced Yuji with a look. “…I know… But if you saw a happy ending for us, why weren’t you ever happy?”

“If you were waiting for me to be perfectly happy-” he started, his voice venomous.

“No. But I did think that maybe you might realize that life is more than some prophecy. It’s not some esoteric concept. It’s about feelings…about being close…and close is something we aren’t.”

Yuji was standing well behind her, and a detached part of his mind registered that Shiroko was still so beautiful, even now as she was breaking his heart.
“Then you’re going to have to lay this out for me. Because I sure as hell can’t follow this.”

“It’s simple: Yuji, you’re also Ten no Kishootsu. Heaven’s Temper. You’re supposed to be this untouchable god of a man, sworn to protect the only hope of our world. But you don’t even know who you are. You’ve tied your self-worth to your job for so long that the two are one and the same.”

“How could I help that?!” Yuji roared, sand kicking up in all directions as his restraint was lost and his chakra flowed freely. “I didn’t ask for this! I didn’t ask to have a bulls-eye painted on my back, so every mindless dickhead with a kunai and something to prove would try to take me down! I didn’t ask to be anyone’s servant!”

“You embraced it!” Shiroko yelled over him. “The chance to be someone meant everything to you! The opportunity to be a teacher, a mentor- you wanted it! You wanted it more than anything!”

“So I desired something normal? That’s your basis for this whole thing?!”

“Normal people wouldn’t abandon their identity! Normal people wouldn’t mindlessly serve anyone! Normal people would seek out their own happiness! They wouldn’t live to create happiness for two people who don’t need the help!”

Yuji settled down, breathing heavily. Something wasn’t right. Shiroko’s words were that of someone selfish. She was not…

“What’s the other reason you want this to end?” Yuji demanded. “I love you, and you know that! There’s something else here. It’s not just my job that bothers you. Even if you’re right, and my job and I are tied together- so what? There’s another reason…something you’ve known about for a while. You were distant before my suicide attempt. If you’re determined to break up with me, then tell me what’s going on! You said it yourself: You owe me the truth. Nothing beyond that.”

Shiroko gave a heavy sigh, bracing her hands on Yuji’s shoulders.
“Alright. You asked for it. When I was younger, my parents tried to set me up with a boy. I rejected their interference and was completely unfair to him. Kaname- that’s his name, by the way- was so good and kind about it. I probably hurt him pretty bad…probably like what I’m doing now. But I haven’t been able to forget about him. And I can’t commit to you unless I’m positive. I thought I was at first- so sure you were the one. But now…”

Yuji nodded in dismal, damning understanding. “Now you’ve had second thoughts…”

“I have. And it’s not fair to you. But it would be even less fair if I forced us both to continue like this…does that make sense?”

Her eyes searched his for understanding. She saw that he did seem to understand. She also saw the pain in his eyes. Pain not caused by a physical injury.

“I…me, too. Although it was a little different in my case,” Yuji murmured. “I’m still upset about what happened with Azami and I. But then you and I hit it off so well, and for a while I felt like things had come together…But then I had my doubts, the same as you…”

“So why did you stick around?”

Yuji gave a mirthless chuckle, running his hand through his hair. “Well, I knew I liked you a lot. I felt comfortable with you. And you know I’m loyal if nothing else. I decided that things would improve. I was hurt in a way I’d never been hurt before. I was figuring that sort of pain of being snubbed the way I was is a pretty lasting pain. And to be fair, I’m not wrong about that. I think that maybe we’re both just in the right place at the wrong time.”

Shiroko felt the same. If they had fallen for each other even a little later, then maybe…maybe things would have been okay.

Yuji looked out toward the water. “I’m sorry for what I put you through. With that suicide attempt…It was wrong, but things just got to be too much. I should have talked to you first. You and I were together, and I failed to confide that darkness to you. I guess I didn’t want to alarm you…or maybe I saw this coming and I didn’t want you to think that you caused it…I don’t know. Not a lot makes sense to me right now.”

Yuji opened his arms and hugged Shiroko. She hugged back, relishing the feeling of his body against hers. She was going to miss this. But it was for the best, and they both knew it.

“Friends, then?” Yuji offered.

“Friends.”

They stepped back away from each other. Yuji leaned forward and kissed Shiroko on the cheek. Then he turned on his heel and strode down the beach. Shiroko waited for him to turn around, but he never did. Not until nearly two hours later, when it was getting dark and the others might begin to worry.

On the way back Yuji peeled off his shirt and shoes and walked through the surf. It was cold and bracing; a bit of reality.

Okay. I’m okay. This breakup was going to happen. Now I have a fresh slate. I can stop worrying now about my relationship. I can start to mend. Now, I need to focus. I need to decide what to do. I need to plan for the future. A future I was ready to throw away.

Yuji eventually looked out to the sea. Endless water, inky black this time of night. The moon’s reflection rippled on the surface. Yuji bent down to the water, reminded of an old story.

The monkey reached out to touch the moon in the water, but all that was within reach was the reflection.

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