Super Smash Bros: Armageddon

KEEP WRITING!!!!!!, my friend should read this, I'll pass on the message!!!!

Deodusk told me too read it btw

Thanks for reading! And thanks for helping to spread the word ^^.

I really like how Pious is able to toy with Mario's head so much, even before dying. This chapter seems a little better (though you may wanna check some of your grammar).

All this talk about giving into darkness and other worlds seems like Kingdom Hearts. And the thing with "Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate...leads to suffering" and "Join me, and we can rule the (universe) together!" seems a lot like Star Wars. I'm not sure if this was intentional or not, though.

Nice job. It's really getting interesting. :P

I think that Mario jumping to the conclusion of Bowser being behind it all seems a bit hasty. If he did so because he was sad and confused and wanted revenge, then I think that those feelings should have been emphasised just a little more. Again, it would have been better to provide more depth of character development for Bowser as well as background for the Koopa Clan in order to make the story a little more potent.

But overall, this is pretty interesting. I look forward to more chapters.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles! (Sorry. Had to say it.) :P

Thanks again. I should probably mention that these were written beforehand.

Oh.

Erm...okay then. I sball keep this in mind. (I usually update as I write chapters, so this is a new concept to me) :P

That was...interesting. The story's pretty interesting and I like the detail. I just thought it was strange to see the Mario Bros placed into such a serious story of murder. Good job overall.

I haven't written anything in months, but please read AS if you have the time! :P

Thank you for your comment. And yes, I would appreciate constructive commentary, no matter how scathing they may be.
 
By the way, SixDigit has shown me alot of your artwork, and I have to say, you've got real talent. I may not agree with some of your jokes, but that's just me. You keep up the good work.

Thank you very much! I didn't realize that my jokes were controversial.

As far as constructive commentary goes, I think the first problem was the past tense vs. present tense. You start out with present and lead into past, which may be just a little confusing.

The rest is entirely my opinion and I'm not an expert on this or anything, so don't put all of your trust into what I say.

I think it would be better to establish a little more background to the characters before going into the story too much. It doesn't have to be a lot, but maybe provide more feeling and history for them so that the drama is more substantial. Heading into a (excuse the term) tragedy with with little insight on the characters' emotions and background makes the story feel a bit rushed. For example, it would be better to go more into depth of how Mario felt at the celebration and how he felt Peach's presence there so that his reaction to her death would be more real.

The sudden shift in the chapter's tone may also need some adjusting. I think it would've been better for Grey Fox's appearance to ease into the plot, rather than for him to suddenly show up and start killing people.

An example of another course that this story could have taken would be perhaps security could report that there was an uninvited guest wandering around and Mario tells them to get rid of him, and then the guard reports that the people sent to throw him out did not return, slowly building up to the point at which murder is attempted Mario's life. It would allow the reader to feel Mario's need to keep peace for Peach's special day but also the tension that something is going wrong and that something bad will happen.

I also think that moving focus from Mario to Grey Fox and vice versa creates an unneeded friction between the two. By being able to go into Grey Fox's mind and hear his thoughts, it takes away the mystery and danger that he holds as the murderer. Perhaps through conversation his background and purpose could be gradually revealed or perhaps by some other means. Another possibility would be to rework the chapter entirely and simply tell the entire scenario through his eyes instead.

But, I don't want to ruin your fun by letting all of these things in the way. Just write what you think feels right and don't let anything I say get in the way of your drive. This is all entirely one person's opinion.

Thanks again! :P

Again, thank you.