*Lumiere*
Submitted February 28, 2006 Updated February 28, 2006 Status Incomplete | Little bits and pieces that I could continue on. Critique, please, and recommend which one would best work for a story line.
Category:
Miscellaneous » Characters |
Chapters
Chapter 1 - The Sleeper Bin
Submitted: February 28, 2006 • Updated: February 28, 2006
Word count: 698 • Size: 3k • Comments: 2 • views: 96
Chapter 2 - The Night Runner
Submitted: February 28, 2006 • Updated: February 28, 2006
Word count: 393 • Size: 2k • Comments: 2 • views: 83
Chapter 3 - Seeing
Submitted: February 28, 2006 • Updated: February 28, 2006
Word count: 482 • Size: 2k • Comments: 2 • views: 89
Chapter 4 - Recruiting
Submitted: February 28, 2006 • Updated: February 28, 2006
Word count: 659 • Size: 3k • Comments: 2 • views: 101
Chapter 5 - The Roadblock
Submitted: February 28, 2006 • Updated: February 28, 2006
Word count: 264 • Size: 1k • Comments: 1 • views: 108
Chapter 6 - Chronological Testing
Submitted: February 28, 2006 • Updated: February 28, 2006
Word count: 314 • Size: 1k • Comments: 1 • views: 102
Chapter 7 - It's Short Term..
Submitted: February 28, 2006 • Updated: February 28, 2006
Word count: 434 • Size: 2k • Comments: 1 • views: 81
Chapter 8 - Oh la la...
Submitted: February 28, 2006 • Updated: February 28, 2006
Word count: 330 • Size: 1k • Comments: 0 • views: 101
Chapter 9 - Forgive me, Father...
Submitted: February 28, 2006 • Updated: February 28, 2006
Word count: 378 • Size: 2k • Comments: 0 • views: 102
Comments
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Orlando_Hamar on June 29, 2006, 3:44:41 AM
Orlando_Hamar on June 29, 2006, 3:40:24 AM
This is pretty good...Not much to say except some of the dialogue is slightly off. And needs rewording, but that's about it.
Oh, and people stare down the bridges of their noses - not over them.
Orlando_Hamar on June 29, 2006, 3:33:39 AM
This is a good one. No problems at all. Not my type of thing, but good all the same.Reminds me of Romeo and Juliette...
Orlando_Hamar on June 29, 2006, 3:32:22 AM
Vampire story? Eh. It's been done.I like it. No noticable problems, but then, I'm tired and stressed...so, naturally...
Anyway, your main problem here is lack of building up the moment at the end. I suppose this is difficult in first person - I really don't know - but there isn't much fear toward the end. There's curiosity, but the main character...Alicia, she doesn't mention any emotion upon meeting this Jessica (a gothic vampire? Oh well. At least you didn't give her a stupid name like Paige).
That's all the nitpicking I can think to do. So far, this is most eligable for a continuation. I'd like to see more into this Vampire stuff...unless it's very Anti-Vampire-Cliche stuff...
Anyway, bring it on!
And now to Chapter 5!
Orlando_Hamar on June 29, 2006, 3:26:47 AM
Very good...but then, I prefer 3rd person...you do not, right? I seem to remember you prefer first.Anyway.
Only problems here are the first paragraph...it has too many short sentances and mentions of "She". I'd suggest rewriting it at a slightly slower pace.
Oh...reading over the second again, I notice you stating the obvious again:
...crops that the villagers had found vital to their survival, people were dyingI'd suggest leaving it at:
...crops; people were dying.
Orlando_Hamar on June 29, 2006, 3:21:50 AM
I'm starting to get jealous at the number of comments you're getting from a variety of people. Maybe I should make shorter chapters...Nahh...
A-anyway, this was really too short for me to nitpick. But then again, I'm good at accomplishing the impossible:
You have a fair few spelling mistakes here and there.
I also find this small part to feel slightly rushed:
I peer into other darkened interiors of cars driving along-side us
Well, tell me if my alterations are better:
I peer into other darkness of cars nearbyFor me, that speeds up the pace, thus allowing you to add in more details, such as the sounds...but then, that's just me. You might like the original.
In all, this was a good part. Too different from it to compare to the first chapter, but I personally prefered this one. Could it have something to do with dialogue? We'll see...
On to Chapter 3!
Orlando_Hamar on June 29, 2006, 3:15:25 AM
This was very good. I'm not much a fan of first person style writing (despite a notable signature of mine...), however, this was refreshingly good. Better than the crap Darren Shan spews out. Anyway, onto some minor criticism...You have a small problem, at least in the first chapter, in which you keep trying to tell the audience everything. For instance:
...not moving from my chair (we were sitting in her bedroom...You needn't tell the reader that you're sitting in her bedroom so outwardly. Let them work it out for themselves. Mention a bed, describe the surroundings. It leaves much more room for imagination when you aren't absolutely specific. It also allows for more freedom in writing and description. But there you go.
The same problem comes up when you mention she's going to stab herself. I'd have to write the chapter myself to work out how I would bring that in, but I would rewrite that bit, were I you.
Now, onto Chapter 2!
Orelin on May 7, 2006, 9:45:30 AM
I really like this one. You could basically expand it to anything you wanted to. YOu're very talented, very talented. I'm actually thining about getting back into my wirting self again, since I've been so busy it's hard, but I really like this. It makes me want to write again.rosecrow13 on March 17, 2006, 4:21:30 AM
Finnaly a vampire story, well sort of but i like it so continue!for me!
rosecrow13 on March 17, 2006, 3:48:14 AM
Nice, the imagery was very well writen, although i was a bit confused with the first part about her parents and where she was at, but other than that i say Bravo!
I got confused. I assume this is a sequal to the Vampire one? She's in a daze?